I am easing the pressure a little this week by aiming for a good weekly photo rather than a daily entry. I will be posting my photos on Blipfoto daily and linking up my favourite photo each Saturday on my blog.
This is my favourite photo from the week. This is JC's Angry Bird face. He pulls this face when he is annoyed or sometimes just when he doesn't like the look of you. He was watching Rio (the Disney film) and one of the birds was pulling a face like this. He exclaimed 'Grrrr, I'm an angry bird' and the name, as well as the facial expression, just stuck.
This post is shared in the 365 linky over on The Boy and Me.
I think this has to be my favourite stage so far. They call it the terrible twos but there is a wonderful side to it.
JC has the most fascinating imagination and I could watch and listen to him playing with his little figures and toys for hours. He loves listening to stories and most of the 'scenarios' come from the books we read to him.
Ikea are repeating their Annual Soft Toy Campaign again this year which means for each soft toy or children's book you buy from them between October 21st - December 23rd 2012, they will donate €1 to UNICEF and Save the Children. This will ensure support to worldwide education programs, ensuring more children around the world can go to school. As a teacher, this type of campaign is close to my heart. The campaign has been running since 2003 and so far has raised a total of €47.4 million!
I love the toys in Ikea. I don't always take JC with me when I shop there because he would manipulate me into buying half the children's dept. The good news is that the toys are a fantastic price, with soft toys starting at £1. They have launched their new Klapper Cirkus and Vandring range of toys and books this year which I think are fabulous.
We were sent the lion puppet to review which is only £3 to buy. It's a lovely toy which is made to the usual high standards that Ikea set. Don't let me bore you with details. Watch JC road test it . . .
We had lots of fun tonight trying to get decent video footage of him playing with the puppet. So much
so that even Dad got involved in the fun . . .
We were also sent a lovely book from the Vandring range called 'The hedgehog leaves home' (£5 or £3 for members) which is about a little hedgehog who is old enough to leave home and fend for himself. There are lots of dangers for a hedgehog like snakes, pine cones, hare poo, mushrooms and foxes so it's just as well that he has his friend the field mouse to help him.
It a beautifully illustrated book and the messages of friendship, independence, overcoming adversity are wonderful themes to have in a children's book. It's also a chance for children to learn more about the forest and it's inhabitants. The characters in the book are available to buy as a soft toys and the forest theme and illustrations from the book are available as textiles such as bed covers a rug and curtains.
We love Ikea as a brand and the fact that they are donating to charity for each soft toy or book purchased is super. There are an abundance of soft toys to choose from so if you are looking for some stocking fillers, head off to Ikea and bag yourself a bargain. By supporting this campaign, you are not only giving a gift to your own child, but to millions of underprivileged children around the world.
Disclaimer - We were given the puppet and book to review but this is not a sponsored post and all views and opinions are honest and my own!
I have a new job! I've been looking for a permanent job in the local authority which I now live in for about 4 years with no success. In these difficult times, even teaching jobs are really hard to come by. I have been commuting since my return to work in August and lately it has really started to wear me down. It's a hour each way on a good day but can often by an hour and 20 and that's before dropping Grumpinator at his childminders.
I've really had a lot going on in my personal and work life lately and I don't feel like I can blog about anything that has been upsetting me. This has been really frustrating and the reason for my lack of blogging. I even gave up/temporarily haulted my 366 project 3 weeks ago because my mind just wasn't clear at all.
I had a really awful day a fortnight ago, the details of which I can't discuss but at lunchtime I looked on the job site. I was astounded to see a permanent Support For Learning Teacher job in the council I live in. This is the first permanent job I have seen for about 2 years! I felt like it must be fate but the closing date was the next day.
I frantically filled in the application that night and got my references together. The application went in on time and by the following week I had an interview. I went to the interview on Tuesday and I felt that I had done pretty well considering that since having Grumpinator I've felt a little 'rusty' in the workplace.
Well, an hour after the interview they were phoning me at work. I got the job!
Great!
Brilliant!
Well, actually no.
It is brilliant that I have a new job, in the council I want to work in, in the job I've always planned on sidestepping into, in a lovely school with friendly staff but there is a BUT . . .
It's full time.
Now I know that there will be parents reading this who had no choice or indeed felt it was right for them to work full time so I mean no disrespect to you. I think these decisions are personal and different for everyone.
I suffered quite badly with post natal depression and really didn't enjoy the first year of motherhood so when faced with going back to work, I naturally choose part time. It's worked out OK financially and the 3 day working week was a refreshing balance with family life. I wasn't planning on ever going back full time. Well, at least not in the foreseeable future.
This job is a full time with a half day Friday. I'll still get my oodles worth of holidays to spend with him but I'm scared of losing the precious 'us' time. I've always felt that I had time to make up for with him as the first year of his life with so difficult.
What has made me feel worse is that everyone I've spoken to about the increase in hours has tilted their head to the side, raised their eyebrows and frowned a sympathetic look. I know that these reactions are unconscious and probably a reaction to my own body language regarding it but it doesn't help.
As my good friend Annie told me this week, it's 'one more step along the world I go' and I suppose it doesn't have to be forever. It's just another chapter in the ever changing book of life.
This is the mood in our house today. This face is exactly why my blog is named Grumpinator. My recent 366 photos may have deceived you into thinking he's always cheery.
He didn't want held or put down or cuddles or kisses or toys or bed or food. He was mighty irritable all day today and by dinner he had just had enough. So he hid behind his Taggie so I couldn't see him!
Little Grumpinator is still a bit poorly. He went to Soft Play today and had a ball regardless of being under the weather (he has a cold). He was fine through the day but as bedtime approached he was not in the mood for photos. I managed to snap this one while he was distracted by some annoying children's programme I stuck on TV. It looks like he is concocting an evil plan - Mahahahahahaha!
It was my first day back at work today (I am a school teacher so I am lucky enough to have longer holidays). My wee man didn't want me to go today and when I dropped him of with his fabulous childminder he had a little 'Grumpinator' style tantrum. As soon as we got home tonight all he wanted to do was curl up on my knee and have a cuddle.
It's that time of the week again where I like to look back on the past week and think about things that I am cheerful about. I have to say that it is particularly difficult this week as it hasn't been the best of weeks.
I am not going to fall into my usual trap and dwell on what hasn't gone well this week but I am going to tell you the things in my life that bring me through the other side. The things that make life worthwhile during the hardest moments.
This smile - He smiles with his eyes. Even when he is sick or teething, he still finds the happiness within him to give me this smile. He is a smiley boy and anyone who has ever met him will confirm that they have witnessed a beautiful smile from him but I do think that the one that is captured in this photo here, is the one he keeps just for me.
My wine of choice at the
moment
Red Wine - Not for the purposes of dulling the pain or drowning the sorrows but for the fabulous smooth taste in each glass of red wine that transports my memories to foreign holidays and cosy firesides.
My Bridesmaids pictured here are
some of my closest friends
Friends - I have so many fabulous friends, some I see everyday, some I see less frequently and some I have never even met but I spend so much time speaking to them online that I feel they know me better than I know myself. The amount of support I get from my friends is unbelievable. I will always be grateful to the friends who came to visit me when I was struggling with Grumpinator as a baby. They cooked for me, listened to me, took a turn of holding him while he screamed, cried with me, offered advice, made me laugh and put up with my uncomfortable silences when I couldn't quite find the words.
Me and My Mum
Phone calls - I spend a lot of time on the phone, much to hubby's disgust! When things are tricky or I just need to vent, I usually pick up the phone and call my mum. She is usually captured and has to listen to me until her phone runs of out battery. Sometimes she tells me things I don't want to hear but need to hear regardless. I appreciate her honesty and the fact that she sometimes misses her dinner or favourite TV program because she is listening to my ramblings. JC has picked up a lot from me - can you tell in this video . . .
This is going to be short and sweet because the Grumpinator household is totally ZONKED!
I was gigging last night and didn't get in until 2am. Then JC was up at 5am and has not napped well today. We kept him up as late as we could and when he eventually went down he was asleep in minutes! I am off to bed to listen to my hypnotherapy track and fall into a deep and hopefully uninterupted sleep!
Here he is . . . (temp is wrong so nobody need be alarmed!)
As an outsider looking in, one might say that I am extremely lucky to have such a good eater. One thing you could never accuse JC of being is fussy with his food choices. He eats a huge variety of food and loves his grub. However, it's not all as rosy in the garden as it seems. He might not be picky with what he eats but he is certainly picky over how, when, where and how much he eats.
When he doesn't get his own way he can change from being an angelic little boy into a huff strop monster. He doesn't hold back in telling you when something is bothering him. Here are some photos of him from tonight.
Happily eating his dinner
Starting to get a bit grumpy
Moved up a level to moaning
Moaning didn't work so lets try anger
Now he's really seriously annoyed!
So as you can see mealtimes can be difficult even for this wean machine.
He's got green gunky eyes and and a horribly runny nose and extremely sharp nails on his teeny tiny toes.
We've had some week with conjunctivitis and a bad cold and at times he has been such a grump but then I don't blame him. I was looking back at some video footage on my phone and there were two videos which I was laughing at.
This one was filmed on Monday when he was feeling really poorly, look at his wee sad face. He is enjoying the scone but his eyes are so heavy.
This was is the happy chappy I know and love. He is totally amazed by balloons at the moment.
I'm lucky, I really am. I have a good wee eater in Grumpinator. He will eat most things but fruit and veg are his favourite. I am not so self righteous to think that it is anything I have done as a parent that has created this good eater. I do believe it's down to your luck of the draw. Not all approaches work with every child you just have to play around with different foods and techniques until you find something that works.
Despite being an adventurous munching machine he does like to play games to wind his mummy up at dinnertime! The latest games are:
JC's Mealtime Game Rule Book
1. Drop the spoon on the floor and watch mum pick it up so I can throw it again.
2. Refuse to take the spoon if mum hands it to me but I will take it if she puts it on my tray. Let her think I am going to eat the food off the spoon by lifting it to my mouth but then at the last minute, turn to spoon round the wrong way, chuck the food off the spoon with my finger and chew the end of it.
3. Cry for the cup of water. Cry like I am as thirsty as a camel in the desert. When she gives me the cup I will stop crying and pretend to take a drink. When she thinks I have a grip of the cup and I am going to drink it, I will turn the cup over and spill the water on the floor - she really hates that!
Some people wonder why I call John the Grumpinator. Firstly it's because his first name is John Connor (Terminator) but also because up until he was about 5 months old he was really very grumpy.
When we brought him home from the hospital on the second day of his life, he spent the whole night crying. I had decided to breastfeed but my milk wasn't fully through and he was starving! He would get frustrated latching on and then cry constantly. My mum stayed over the first night and the three of us took turns walking the floor with him. I was exhausted. After the first 4 days my milk came through and I was so glad that I had persevered and didn't cave into pressure from well intentioned relatives trying to convince me that he needed to be put on the bottle.
When he was three weeks old he started to sleep about 3 hours at a time then wake for a feed. We were getting into a routine and he was happier through the day. It all changed at the end of a 5 'good' day run when he started crying after feeds. He cried for what seemed like forever. 12 hours of constant crying and I was really losing the will to live. I didn't know what was wrong with him but I couldn't console him. I felt useless. I kept thinking 'what a shit mother I must be that I can't stop my baby crying'. Why don't I know what he needs? Isn't this supposed to come naturally?
I took him to the doctors and I was in floods of tears. He sounded him and checked his throat and ears. He turned to me with a sympathetic smile and said "there's no need to worry, it's just colic and it will pass when he's about 3 months". I wanted to smack him in the face.
Colic is defined as acute abdominal pain and it's basically when babies can't break their wind and it causes them pain in their tummy. It could be a food allergy but really they never investigate it and as it's not a serious illness in the eyes of the medical profession. For a parent though, it can be the most frustrating and tiring time. He also had reflux on and off and would sometimes throw up full milk feeds.Bottle fed babies have more options available to them and it's easier to give them medication associated with colic. You can get special formula and you can put the medicine straight into their bottle. I didn't have those options and I was adamant to continuing breastfeeding.
I tried Infacol, Gripe Water, Massage, Colosynth Granules, Cranial Osteopathy, sleep positioners, Detinox Colic Drops, Colief, dairy free diet and different feeding positions to help the pain. I tried swaddling, rocking, white noise, jiggling, shhhing, swimming, side sleeping and co-sleeping to help relieve the constant crying and grumpiness.
It felt like it lasted forever. I didn't feel like I could go anywhere with him. I was a prisoner in my own house and I can say honestly that I really didn't enjoy being a mum for the first 4 months. I had wanted a baby for so long and I felt so guilty for feeling the way I did which is what I reckon led to me suffering from Post Natal Depression. The best combination of treatment for JC was Colosynth Granules, Osteopathy/massage and sleeping in his own cot, swaddled and white noise of a hoover playing all night!! Sometimes the only place he would sleep was on our chest as he was lying on his tummy and he liked to be swung on his tummy after a feed. It was a really tiring time and I would often have to put him down in his cot for 5 mins and go outside in the garden for some air. I really struggled during this time and I had lots of support. I feel for parents who don't have the support I had available to me.
When he hit 4 months his colic seemed to disappear overnight. He really changed into a different baby. It coincided with the introduction of solids at 4.5 - 5 months. Things really improved at 5 months when I took the decision to combination feed. I started off giving him a bottle of milk (Infacol Comfort) before bed and breastfeeding him at the other feeds. He is now a happy, content and well fed baby. He sleeps 11 hours at night and between 3 -4 hours through the day. With exception of his teething days, he is always smiling and lights up the room with that gorgeous little smirk of his.
So there you have it. This is why I call him The Grumpinator. He doesn't quite live up to the name these days but I will never forget the first five months of his life and although I miss holding my tiny baby in my arms, I am so glad that we are finally past that stage.
Do we all remember the tune 'Everybody's Free' by Baz Luhrmann released in 1999? Well I found out that the words from this were actually from an article published in the Chicago Tribune by Mary Schmich. I was 16 when I heard this and I really liked the words. Over the past 12 years there have been times when the lyrics have come back to me and as I get older I can relate even more to the dispensed advice.
Hubby and I at 17
"Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine."
This is funny because at a mere 28 I am already looking back at photos of myself when I was 17 and thinking 'hey, I looked good! Not nearly as fat as I thought I was and my face wore a dewy complexion that had obviously never known stress. Like this photo here, I was a member of a diet club here *shakes head in disapproval*.
My Dad and John, his wife Barbora and my brother Danny
"Don't worry about the future . . . The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday."
Oh so true. It's been the unexpected news that has had the biggest impact in my life. Like when my mum woke me at 5am to tell me that my Dad had been beaten up waiting for a taxi, he needed brain surgery to remove a blood clot and that he might never recover (he beat the odds and was fine). Or when I came home from ice hockey to find that my Dad had left and that my parent's marriage was over, nobody saw that one coming. Or when my Dad phoned me out the blue to tell me he was going to be a Dad again at 49 and that I would become a sister and a mum with 3 weeks in between, I was happy for him but understandably it took me by surprise.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
I have some friends who I see regularly and others whose lives I dip in and out off. One of my closest friends is Michelle. We call each other cousins but we are actually not related. Our mum's have been friends since childhood and are as close as sisters. I don't see Michelle as regularly as I would like but things are always the same between us when we do see each other.This is a picture of Michelle (far left) and her sisters, Erin and Leanne. The three of them have always been there for me and I hope they know that they are treasured members of my family.
Kate (my step sister), Mum and me on her wedding day
"Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out."
I am fiercely independent and I don't like to rely on anyone else financially. As a student, I had no choice but to take support from my mum and dad but now I have a career of my own. My mum taught me that it is important to make provisions for yourself and that financial security can never be taken for granted. When my parents separated, my mum, who had given up any chances of a career to be a stay at home mum, found herself in a very difficult situation as she no longer had my Dad's income to depend on. She was forced to sell the family home and had to change her lifestyle. At one point she nearly became officially homeless as she could not get a council house. She is now happily remarried but she has passed this lesson of self security and independence on to me.
And the last piece of advice is
"Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth."
This little gem of advice has become very real to me since giving birth to John Connor. Everybody had advice for me. While I was pregnant lots of people had advice about the birth, where I should have the baby, what I would need to do before it came and how I would have no life or sleep when it arrived. When the little Grumpinator arrived the advice became more focussed into the areas of where he should sleep, how I should handle crying, what I should give him for colic, what, how and when I should be feeding him. Most of the advice was given with the best of intentions and some of the advice was really helpful. However, sometimes people forget how overwhelming a newborn can be and everybody has different opinions on raising children. If I have another baby in the future I won't read any baby books or feel the need to read a degrees worth of 'advice'. I have realised from my experience with JC that I have an inner knowledge about my own child that nobody else has. I need to trust my own instincts and go with the flow more, after all, mum knows best - most of the time!
What advice would you give to the youth of tomorrow?
It's been a couple of weeks since I took part in this link up but I am feeling particularly happy this week so it will be difficult to whittle it down. Here goes:
1.
My wee Grumpinator is getting over the cold and seems to be on the mend. He is eating and sleeping well and has been very happy and settled this week.
2.
I am a school teacher and I have managed to negotiate a change in my hours when I go back to work in August. I will now be working 3 days a week. JC will be with a childminder for 2 days and his Gran for 1 day. I am looking forward to working again but I will miss him terribly.
3. I am grateful for my friends this week. I have been catching up with lots of my friends that I haven't seen for a few weeks or longer. I don't really live near many of my good friends so it can sometimes be difficult to see them regularly. It has been lovely to spend some time with them and catch up on their news.
Check out more entries of cheerfulness at Muumy from the Heart
Check out more entries of gratefulness at Maxabella loves
I came across a parenting carnival which runs every Friday (namely, The Friday Club). This week I have to write 5 things I want JC to know about me. So here goes . . .
John Connor - Here are some things you should know about me . . .
1. I love to tell stories. I think I have inherited it from your Great Granny Morris who used to tell me the most amazing stories when I was a little girl. She had me convinced that she kept a reindeer in her hut! I don't write my stories down but I think that one day I might. Your dad says that I like to exaggerate but I tell him that I like to over exaggerate because I like to make my tall tales sounds as interesting as I can.
2. When I was a little girl I used to believe in God. I was very religious and went to church every Sunday. I went to church until I was 18 but then I lost my faith. I don't quite know where it went but I know that I miss it and I think that when you lose it, it is very difficult to find again. I don't want to taint your beliefs, I want you to find your own faith and I hope you have something to hold on to when things get hard in life.
3. I like to watch you sleep. Sometimes I let you fall asleep in my arms, even though people think that is the wrong thing to do! I just love letting you snuggle in and feel secure enough to close your little peepers and slip peacefully into the land of nod. We bought video monitors so that I could watch you sleep without disturbing you!
4. I can't really swim. I am terrified of the water but I take you swimming at least once a week and I have even dunked myself under the water so that you won't be afraid. It is really important to me that you learn to swim and that you are respectful of the water but not scared of it. It fills me with so much joy to take you swimming and you are helping me to overcome my fears.
5. You make me a better person. Before you came along I could be a very selfish person and I was really quite lazy most of the time. You changed all that, you have given me a greater perspective on life. Sometimes I feel quite scared that I am responsible for you and that you depend on me for everything. You need me to get it right because I am shaping the adult you will become. That scares the shit out of me and I worry that I might fail to give you the best possible start in life. I can't begin to explain how much I love you because it's not a feeling I can articulate. I am sure that despite my self doubt that this will be enough to get us through. If not then we will blame your Dad.
The theme in The Gallery this week is 'Expressions'. This was an easy one for me as JC has such an expressive wee face but I did find it difficult to narrow it down!
Baby Led Weaning - What We Are Doing and Why . . .
Disclaimer - I only know that this method is working for my own child and I do not want this post to come across as advice giving because it isn't. I used to hate people rubbing advice in my face when JC wasn't sleeping. I believe that luck has more to do with it than any parenting approach but this is just my opinion. I happen to have been lucky with weaning so far and it's going really well. That's not to say that Grumpinator won't change all the rules on me tomorrow but for today, I am pleased that everything is going well.
How it all started
Grumpinator was a colicky baby. Some people call it 'spirited' others refer to it as 'touchy'. He had bad reflux as well which made feeding him a nightmare sometimes. When he reached 4 months I was starting to look and feel like the walking dead. Lack of sleep was taking its toll and he had started to wake up for a breastfeed every hour again through the night. Enough was Enough. The doctor advised me to start giving him baby rice at 4.5 months. Ohhh *sharp intake of breath and brace myself for the negative critcism*. Yes, I know all the reasons we should have waited until he was 6 months but please, spare me them because after a difficult mental battle, I decided to follow my instinct and do what felt right for me and my child. So for the first month we started him on purées of fruit, veg and baby rice. I felt like a total failure because I had big ideas about waiting until 6 months and following Gill Rapley's Baby Led Weaning approach - basically skipping puréed food altogether and starting on 'solid' food and allowing self feeding from the start. JC liked fruit and rice but hated veg purées and it was always a battle. It didn't make him sleep much better, he went from being up every hour to every 3.5 hours.
5.5 - 6.5 months (now)
When JC started sitting up by himself we decided to ditch the puréed food and start again with finger foods. It is the best decision that we have made. He loves his food. I started this blog to document his eating journey and I am so pleased at how far he has come so quickly.
We started off with loaded spoons of soup, mashed veg, yoghurts and then progressed to finger dippers (toast, rice cakes, oatcakes, bread rolls, pitta) with various dips like hummus, peanut butter, fish pate. He is now on three meals a day. Typically he will have Weetabix or porridge for breakie with some fruit. For lunch he'll have soup or dippers with some fruit and a yoghurt. For dinner he just eats what we are having. I just make sure I cook it without salt and cut things into shapes that he can easily pick up. We depend a lot less on spoons these days as his motor skills are much better and he can pick food up with his hands.
Here is a video of him eating dinner tonight. We had Chicken Stir Fry and Noodles.He has started really studying his food before he eats it. He just loved every bit of it!
Advantages
He enjoys his food more when he is in control
He can join in family meals with no stress
I don't have to prepare special food for him, I just need to think more careful about what we all eat
It encourages his motor skills and every meal time is a learning experience - which makes him tired so that he will sleep 7pm - 3am, 3am - 7am.
It teaches him social and language skills as he is part of the action at meal times
Disadvantages
Mess - with a capital M! It is so incredibly messy that I usually strip him down to his babygro at meal times.
Time - It takes him longer to eat his meal himself than if I was spoon feeding him so I need to be more organised
What's Next
I am looking forward to him developing his motor skills further. In the next few months he will develop his pincer grip and be able to pick up small pieces of food like peas, sweetcorn and grapes. This will open up a wider variety of food for him. I need to keep refreshing and changing my recipes so that he gets a varied diet and doesn't get bored. I am feeling positive about his eating just now and just hope that it continues as he gets older. He has just started drinking out of an open cup which is a whole new messy experience and another post.
I love the toys in Ikea. I don't always take JC with me when I shop there because he would manipulate me into buying half the children's dept. The good news is that the toys are a fantastic price, with soft toys starting at £1. They have launched their new Klapper Cirkus and Vandring range of toys and books this year which I think are fabulous. 
.JPG)
I took him to the doctors and I was in floods of tears. He sounded him and checked his throat and ears. He turned to me with a sympathetic smile and said "there's no need to worry, it's just colic and it will pass when he's about 3 months". I wanted to smack him in the face. 
It felt like it lasted forever. I didn't feel like I could go anywhere with him. I was a prisoner in my own house and I can say honestly that I really didn't enjoy being a mum for the first 4 months. I had wanted a baby for so long and I felt so guilty for feeling the way I did which is what I reckon led to me suffering from Post Natal Depression. The best combination of treatment for JC was Colosynth Granules, Osteopathy/massage and sleeping in his own cot, swaddled and white noise of a hoover playing all night!! Sometimes the only place he would sleep was on our chest as he was lying on his tummy and he liked to be swung on his tummy after a feed. It was a really tiring time and I would often have to put him down in his cot for 5 mins and go outside in the garden for some air. I really struggled during this time and I had lots of support. I feel for parents who don't have the support I had available to me.
