I sometimes don't like people and want to live in a cave

This has been a blog post waiting to happen for quite a while. It's not going to be a rant. Well, I'm not going to make any promises!

I've had a right week of it, dealing with the less attractive attributes of people - and that is putting it politely. Now I'm not saying that my halo is sparkling, I am sure I have my faults which irritate and annoy people but I like to think I try my best.

Sometimes I wish to be a hermit who shuns the world and lives in a cave. I think that the benefits of cave living would be food for the soul for me at the moment.

I am a bit fed up with the negativity and bitchiness from a lot of people in my life. I am a runner (not in the fitness sense) and an escapist. When I was young I would disappear into a book and live an alternative life through the characters. It's hard to do that now as the world keeps pushing itself in and distracting me from the wonder of the text.  It would be great to do a Shirley Valentine and just disappear but it's not as easy as that when you are a mum. You can't just run away. You have to stay and fight and work hard to give them the best experience of life you can whilst trying to protect them from the nastiness of people they will undoubtedly come across.

I fell into teaching by accident but prior to that I studied psychology as I have always been fascinated my human behaviour. Equally though, I have always been flabbergasted by how terribly we can treat each other.

Treat other people how you would like to be treated and you can't go too far wrong. Unless of course you are some sort of sadist.

 

Babies Behind Bars

I used to live next door to a prison.

HMP Cornton Vale is a closed women's prison for remand and sentenced women. I would often look over to the prison and wonder what it was like inside. I have a bit of a strange fascination with prisons despite never being in one. I would see the women in the independent living houses coming outside to do normal things like take out their rubbish and weed their front gardens. One thing that never really crossed my mind was what happened to pregnant women and their babies in prison. That was not until I had had my own baby and recently got sucked into the ITV programme 'Babies Behind Bars'.

It really got me thinking.

Is it right to allow pregnant women to keep their babies behind bars up to 18 months old?

Most babies are removed from their mothers 24 hours after birth. Is this fair?

If the point of prison is punishment then aren't babies who are kept in prison being punished for something that was nothing to do with them?

If the point of prison is rehabilitation then will mother and baby units provide these mothers with the support system they need to make a fresh start and hopefully reduce reoffending?

It's so difficult. So many questions and feelings were going through my head when I was watching this programme. I just had to share it with you.

I felt immensely sad watching the mothers going through labour then having to give away their baby to prison guards. However I also felt a bit skeptical when I realised that some of the mothers already had a squad of children in care and I wondered 'why would this time be any different?'

I guess what makes it different is that this time round the mothers are away from the influence of their social groups that draw them into crime. They are well supported within the prison service and are given a good amount of time to bond with their child. But does it make a difference after they are released?

Well studies are in their infancy but it does appear from some of the research that has taken place in the UK that the return to custody rate is much lower for women who spend time in the mother and baby units with the prison service. A review into YOI Styal in Cheshire found that the return to prison rate among the general prison rate is 77% whereas the return rate for the Mother and Baby unit women is around 12.5%. So this is promising stuff.

After all, some of the women in prison are there through silly mistakes they have made, bad friendships they have fostered and violent relationships they have found themselves in.It is a lovely thought that by giving them support to experience the wonderfully rewarding side of motherhood, free from the pressures of their ordinary lives, that they can find the courage, strength and conviction to lead better lives for their children.

I am sure that there are some women who would not benefit from these projects and for the safety and welfare of their children, it is better that they are separated. I think the review process of applications must be extremely difficult and I don't envy these people.

Anyway, I have rambled, apologies. I just thought it was such an interesting topic and wanted to share.

What do you think?

16/365 Teaching = hated profession

My earliest impression as a child of a teacher was probably the like the one from The Waltons. Someone who sees their job as a vocation, as a way of making a difference in the world. Someone who is willing to work for a modest pay without claiming hours of over time but willing to work through the night to provide their students with a quality education and be there as an emotional support and a listening ear.

This is how I approach my job. I never wanted to be a teacher, I just fell into it but I can honestly say that it is a job I love and that I get so much job satisfaction from. However, it isn't always easy and not all teachers are created equal. I am not without my faults. I can be messy, disorganised, forgetful and I sometimes fall behind on my paperwork. One thing that never suffers in my classroom though is the children's experience of learning. I try my best to give them a quality education on one hand but inject fun into the classroom on the other. Teachers used to be respected and well thought of but somewhere along the line they lost that respect. We are now criticized for not doing a good job, for having too short days and too long holidays. Teaching has become a hated profession where the minority of 'bad' teachers are tainting the reputation of the majority.

I was watching This Morning today where they were discussing the recommendation of changing the working pattern of teachers in England to work 6 days a week, 8am - 8pm (with the children in during these times to make childcare arrangements easier for parents) and to reduce the summer holiday to 4 weeks. Since when was school a babysitting service? If childcare is a problem why aren't the government focussing their energy on making it cheaper and more accessible. As a working mum myself (soon to be anyway) I understand these pressures but I don't feel it's the school responsibility. I wouldn't want him in school for that length of time. I think children need down time, away from school and teachers. They need family time and it is equally important as education. Going abroad or spending time exploring the world outside school is equally educational (Or so parents claim when they want to take their kids out of school for a holiday!). 

In Scotland, we do actually get paid for a 35 hour week (it works out about 7 hours a day) but there are few teachers who work 8 - 3 or 9 -4. If I were to work these hours I would never get anything done! We also have hours over and above this to attend meetings and training thoughout the year. In my first couple of years as a teacher I was in school for 8am and rarely left before 7pm. Now I do what I can until 5.20pm when my school now closes and I take the rest home. Normally working until 8pm. Over the year there will be times when I also work weekends. The 'work' I am doing is marking, preparation, assessment, reporting, planning. If you are doing it right there is no way that it can be done in school time. I spend my school time tidying up, meeting parents, attending school meetings, liaising with support for learning, tracking down resources etc.

The majority of teachers work our arses off so where did it all go wrong? A lot of the parents who I speak to will say to me 'yeah yeah you have a hard job with all your holidays!!' closely followed with 'Yeah but I couldn't do your job!'

Wear Sunscreen

Do we all remember the tune 'Everybody's Free' by Baz Luhrmann released in 1999? Well I found out that the words from this were actually from an article published in the Chicago Tribune by Mary Schmich. I was 16 when I heard this and I really liked the words. Over the past 12 years there have been times when the lyrics have come back to me and as I get older I can relate even more to the dispensed advice.

Hubby and I at 17

"Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine."


This is funny because at a mere 28 I am already looking back at photos of myself when I was 17 and thinking 'hey, I looked good! Not nearly as fat as I thought I was and my face wore a dewy complexion that had obviously never known stress. Like this photo here, I was a member of a diet club here *shakes head in disapproval*.

My Dad and John, his wife Barbora and my brother Danny

"Don't worry about the future . . . The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday." 


Oh so true. It's been the unexpected news that has had the biggest impact in my life. Like when my mum woke me at 5am to tell me that my Dad had been beaten up waiting for a taxi, he needed brain surgery to remove a blood clot and that he might never recover (he beat the odds and was fine). Or when I came home from ice hockey  to find that my Dad had left and that my parent's marriage was over, nobody saw that one coming. Or when my Dad phoned me out the blue to tell me he was going to be a Dad again at 49 and that I would become a sister and a mum with 3 weeks in between, I was happy for him but understandably it took me by surprise.  

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

I have some friends who I see regularly and others whose lives I dip in and out off. One of my closest friends is Michelle. We call each other cousins but we are actually not related. Our mum's have been friends since childhood and are as close as sisters. I don't see Michelle as regularly as I would like but things are always the same between us when we do see each other.This is a picture of Michelle (far left) and her sisters, Erin and Leanne. The three of them have always been there for me and I hope they know that they are treasured members of my family. 

Kate (my step sister), Mum and me on her wedding day

"Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out."

I am fiercely independent and I don't like to rely on anyone else financially. As a student, I had no choice but to take support from my mum and dad but now I have a career of my own. My mum taught me that it is important to make provisions for yourself and that financial security can never be taken for granted. When my parents separated, my mum, who had given up any chances of a career to be a stay at home mum, found herself in a very difficult situation as she no longer had my Dad's income to depend on. She was forced to sell the family home and had to change her lifestyle. At one point she nearly became officially homeless as she could not get a council house. She is now happily remarried but she has passed this lesson of self security and independence on to me.

And the last piece of advice is

"Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth."

This little gem of advice has become very real to me since giving birth to John Connor. Everybody had advice for me. While I was pregnant lots of people had advice about the birth, where I should have the baby, what I would need to do before it came and how I would have no life or sleep when it arrived. When the little Grumpinator arrived the advice became more focussed into the areas of where he should sleep, how I should handle crying, what I should give him for colic, what, how and when I should be feeding him. Most of the advice was given with the best of intentions and some of the advice was really helpful. However, sometimes people forget how overwhelming a newborn can be and everybody has different opinions on raising children. If I have another baby in the future I won't read any baby books or feel the need to read a degrees worth of 'advice'. I have realised from my experience with JC that I have an inner knowledge about my own child that nobody else has. I need to trust my own instincts and go with the flow more, after all, mum knows best - most of the time! 

What advice would you give to the youth of tomorrow? 

Cheerful and Grateful 4

My lovely hubby has pointed out to me that I have been a right moan this week and he even commented that he would be surprised if I had anything cheerful to write this week! Cheeky shite that he is. He is right that I moan a lot though. It is sometimes difficult to be positive in a world full of negativity but what I need to remember is how good I actually have it. Sometimes it is good to stop and look at the bigger picture. That is what I have chosen to do this week.

I am grateful for

image courtesy of Kurdistan Commentry

1. Freedom of Speech - I was shocked when I was watching the news tonight and I saw a Sky News Report from Libya. A woman was trying to tell British journalists that she was raped and brutalised by Gaddafi's henchmen. She was physical restrained, threatened and escorted from the building. After threatening the journalists with a gun, they left the hotel, taking the woman in a car and refused to disclose where they were taking her. I am grateful that I live in a country where I have the freedom of speech and laws in place to protect me. I don't want to go into the politics or have a controversial discussion about our presence in Libya but I am glad that our country is not just sitting back and doing nothing. When people look back on atrocities that took place during civil unrest in countries like Rwanda and Cambodia, the general consensus would be that we shouldn't have sat back and did nothing and that it should never happen again.

image by The Family

2. Free and available healthcare - I've never really thought about it much but since becoming a mum I realise how much I depend and in some ways take for granted, the healthcare options I have freely available for my family. When I  watched the clips on Red Nose Day I felt so grateful that my child has not only living in a safe environment that prevents him from contracting life threatening illnesses but that we also have the vaccinations and medications readily available to prevent such disease. It's not just developing countries who have issues with healthcare. There are many people across the pond in the States who can't afford health insurance. They often can't afford to pay for expensive tests and treatments for themselves or their family.

image by Scam warning

3. A comparatively stable weather system and very few natural disasters - OK, so I live in Scotland so our weather is not great. We have loads of rain, drizzle, fog and in winter it can be really dreary. This winter we had lots of snow which brought most of Britain to a standstill. It was more of an inconvenience though than a direct threat to our lives.There are people in parts of Britain who have suffered from terrible flooding but thankfully our area is on higher ground so is very rarely flooded. I am grateful to live in Scotland where there is little or no risk of tsunamis, tornadoes, hurricanes, droughts, floods, forest fires, sinkholes and earthquakes. One weather problem we are really not likely to have is a extreme heat wave! If the temp goes above 16c we get our paddling pools out and our sun cream on.

A Virtual Playground

I have been blogging for about 8 weeks now and I have had my eyes opened to a brand new virtual world. Initially I was filled with excitement and joy, this blogging business is a great outlet for my inner ramblings and people will actually read it and comment on it! However, I am now filled with the new realisation that the world of blogging is actually very similar to a school playground with the same bullies and popular crowd that I spent my time avoiding. It's sad to read people's blog rants and know that they are aimed at you. Maybe that is my own insecurity speaking but I can't help how I feel. I logged on last night to find my blog an uncomfortable place to be. I actually thought about deleting it in a rage of annoyance and anger.

I am not going to do that of course, I am going to blog more. I am only going to take part in meme's that I really enjoy. I will write more posts about JC and get back to the main purpose of my blog as I feel it is losing focus. Here are the link ups/memes/bloghops I will be taking part in . . .

Mummy from the Heart runs a link up on a Friday called Reasons to be Cheerful. Michelle is a lovely lady
 who is always inspiring and positive.


Maxabella Loves . . . runs 'I'm Grateful for' on Saturdays and I usually combine my post with my cheerfulness one for linking up. Another lovely lady who always takes the time to comment on my posts. 

Kate Takes 5 runs a listography meme each Monday which I just love taking part in because I am really fond of writing lists and Kate always comes up with brilliant themes each week, genius! "/>

Tara over at Sticky Fingers runs The Gallery each week which I just love because I am trying so hard to get better at my photography. Tara does a great job coming up with themes for our photos each week. 

I think I have said enough!

The McLean Palace

I was thinking about housework today as I took part in my Saturday morning housework before the arrival of my visitors. I admit it, I am not the most house proud of people. I wish I was. I wish I cared but I just don't, it's not me and I refuse to apologise for it.

Most people who visit my house would tell you "it's always clean and tidy when I visit". That's because I have cleaned for you coming. I will leave it to the last minute and I will panic about your visit but I will make sure that by the time you ring the doorbell, I have emptied my bins, hoovered my floors, cleaned all skirting boards and if you are really important I might have shake n vac'd my rugs. Although I personally couldn't care less about the housework, I do care about what other people think of me. No matter how any times I speak to myself and say  'only you can allow others to make you feel inferior', I don't think it has quite sunk in yet.

I am trying though, to care less. Before I had JC I didn't really have to worry too much about it because I had plenty of time to do housework and I had the handy excuse of working full time. Now I feel like there is some sort of increased expectation on me to be cleaning and doing housey stuff now that I am 'at home doing nothing all day!' lol. That kind of crap only comes out of the mouths of people who either don't have kids or whose kids are older and they've forgot what it's like to have a wee one needing 100% attention.

So my take on it is, if you don't think my house is clean and tidy enough, either ask me where the hoover is and get on with it or don't bother visiting because I'm fed up trying to be something I'm not. If you keep an immaculate house then good for you, I wish I was that regimented. I'm too busy living my life than cleaning in preparation for it.

Over and Out!

Guilt, Lie Telling and the Mummy Mafia

I logged on this morning to do some reading and 2 of the lovely ladies that I read Kate Takes 5 and Metal Mummy both blogged about issues that are close to my heart at the moment.

Kate was talking about the white lies we tell to other mums to show ourselves as a 'good parent' or what we think the stereotypical role of a 'good parent is'.

Metal Mummy blogged about the things she does as a parent that must make her a crap mum. I feel that these issues are closely connected.

A few days ago I was reading a blog by Mocha Beanie Mummy who was commenting on how she has felt judged by other parents on the issue of healthy eating. She openly admits that her children eat McDonalds but not on a daily basis and she is so proud of them that they are actually eating something.

There appears to have been a rise in a social group I like to refer to as the 'Mummy Mafia'. A group of women (I have no first hand knowledge of this applying to men so I apologise for the gender stereotyping in advance) who sit around in the livingrooms, baby/toddler groups, coffee shops, school gates etc and invent the character of a perfect, flawless mummy. An invisible role model for all the less adequate mothers to live up to. They have created a list of do's, don'ts, must and must nots to live by. If you break these rules then you face public humiliation, scathing looks and revoked membership from the wondermum club. They have fallen into the trap of comparing each others parenting and comparing their children.

So what makes a good mum? What should I be doing? I have composed a list from the Mummy Mafia Handbook. Here is a list of some of the shoulds, woulds, coulds, dos and don'ts I have heard since becoming a  new mum. Some of these I see the sense in, some of them I loathe and some of them I think WTF like I have the time or inclination for that shite. I am not judging here -despite the obvious humour, these are actual statement that have been said to me (in the manner of well meaning advice from long standing Mafia members).

1. You must never ever feed your children processed junk food, it rots their brain
2. You must never sleep in the same bed as your child, you might suffocate them with your incredibly large baby belly
3. You must hand prepare all your food and freeze it in special ice cube trays and if you don't own an Annabel Karmel book then your child will be fussy and never eat.
4. You must expose your child to wonderful sensory experiences every day, bake with them once a week and have sensory baskets in every room.
5. Never let your child watch more than 5 mins of TV, again it rots their brain. In fact - Just get rid of the TV, even it's meer presence in the room could have a lasting effect!
6. Chocolate and orange coloured maize snacks are the devils food.
7. Do not let your child drink anything other than water - fruit juice, flavoured water and especially tea will make all their teeth rotten by the time they hit 5.
8. Don't pick up food or cutlery that has been thrown on the floor. Everything must be boiled and sterilised until they are a year old.
9. Iron Everything - even socks, if you don't then you are failing as a wife as well as a mother.
10. Routine, Routine, Routine - have one, stick to one and it should either be a Gina Ford one or a Baby Whispering one. If you go for the wing it and wear your baby in a sling and sleep with it in your bed one then a mental health assessment may be required.
11. Never admit to feeling low or not coping - always stick to standard response of 'I'm fine thanks'
12. Even small babies should be well turned out - certainly no sleep suits after 9am or before 6pm!
13. Never show your child negative emotions - that pretend plastic smile must be plastered on your face at all times!
14. Breastfeed - even if  the pain kills you because if don't you are subjecting your child to all sorts of bugs and you will be stuck with your baby flab forever!
15. Never feed them solid food before 6 months - because all babies are the same and they magically need food on the day they turn 6 months before then you will cause major damage to their insides!
16. You must attend a educational class with your child each week to strengthen their synapses, the natural world around them simply isn't enough.
17. Your house must be immaculate and when your baby naps you should be right in about the housework. There will be no TV and certainly no internet.
18. Do not let your child play computer games - this can result in violent outbursts and square eyes.
19. To be a great mother you must give up your job and devote your life to mothering. No more nights out, romantic evenings or hobbies. Everything must revolve around the tiny humans.
20. If your baby isn't sleeping through the night and cries a lot it must be something you are doing - if you kept calmer in your pregnancy and started a routine right away you wouldn't be in this mess - oh well!

So I'm jumping on Kate's bandwagon and joining a new Mafia because most of the above I would never measure up to so I am joining the 'real parenting' revolution.

In the first few months after JC was born I fell into the trap of reading loads of baby books and constantly comparing myself to others and was only left with a feeling of inadequacy and failure. From now on, I am throwing out the baby books and sticking to my own opinion on things. I will not compare myself with others, lie to other mum's about what I do/don't do. If they don't like it or want to judge me then I don't care anymore. One of my friends once told me that negative things the people say are really about them not me. It's their way of voicing their own insecurities.

The only person who knows what's best for my child is me. Nobody knows him better than I do and nobody (other than Scuba Steve) wants better for him than I do. I try my best, I love him to pieces and I will continue to work at being the best mum I can be but I won't get it right 100% of the time. I can only do my best and I will do a good enough job to produce a wonderful, self reliant, confident and independent young man.