When Other Mothers Stare

photo by Sarah Tucker

I wrote a post last week about feeling like a useless mother and this is along a similar vein although it's much less self depreciating and more advice seeking. I took JC to soft play today with his little friend and one of my mummy friends. We've been before and had a good experience but this time was very different.

JC is getting over a cold and still has a cough and a runny nose but otherwise is fine and well. Every time he coughed it was as if all the other parents (mostly mothers) expected men in has-mat suits to burst in door and set up an isolation chamber around him so he couldn't infect their little darlings. I mean seriously, what toddler isn't hanging with something at this time of year? It's not like he had pox or slapped cheek or even the dreaded D&V.

Then he was trying to chase the older children and attempting to sneak his way into the big kids play area. Every time I tried to redirect him or pick him up and remove him he took the mother of all tantrums. He is only 17 months but his tantrums at the moment can rival any 2/3 year old's. He is into the slapping of faces when he is stropping and I quiet often bare the brunt of a slap to the face followed by screaming. The hurt and annoyance of this happening at all is only intensified by 'The Stare'.

You know the one, where you feel like everyone in the room/supermarket/bus etc has turned to look at you with utter disapproval as if to say 'discipline your child'.

So please tell me, how should I be disciplining my 17 month old? He's too wee to understand timeouts and naughty steps. I'm not really into smacking, it didn't do me any harm right enough but I just don't feel right about. So please help me out with this, what is it they are expecting from me?

and how should I react to 'The Stare' my impulsive reaction is to tell them to 4 star off but I guess the middle class mummy brigade (or as I like to call them, The Mummy Mafia) will judge me even more.

I suppose I could stick with my Gran's advice 'nobody can make you feel inferior unless you let them'. Great pearl of wisdom there, just harder to put it into practice!

Any advice? Any similar 'Stare' stories? Please Share!

*Sarah Tucker wrote an interesting article about The Mummy Mafia

Guilt, Lie Telling and the Mummy Mafia

I logged on this morning to do some reading and 2 of the lovely ladies that I read Kate Takes 5 and Metal Mummy both blogged about issues that are close to my heart at the moment.

Kate was talking about the white lies we tell to other mums to show ourselves as a 'good parent' or what we think the stereotypical role of a 'good parent is'.

Metal Mummy blogged about the things she does as a parent that must make her a crap mum. I feel that these issues are closely connected.

A few days ago I was reading a blog by Mocha Beanie Mummy who was commenting on how she has felt judged by other parents on the issue of healthy eating. She openly admits that her children eat McDonalds but not on a daily basis and she is so proud of them that they are actually eating something.

There appears to have been a rise in a social group I like to refer to as the 'Mummy Mafia'. A group of women (I have no first hand knowledge of this applying to men so I apologise for the gender stereotyping in advance) who sit around in the livingrooms, baby/toddler groups, coffee shops, school gates etc and invent the character of a perfect, flawless mummy. An invisible role model for all the less adequate mothers to live up to. They have created a list of do's, don'ts, must and must nots to live by. If you break these rules then you face public humiliation, scathing looks and revoked membership from the wondermum club. They have fallen into the trap of comparing each others parenting and comparing their children.

So what makes a good mum? What should I be doing? I have composed a list from the Mummy Mafia Handbook. Here is a list of some of the shoulds, woulds, coulds, dos and don'ts I have heard since becoming a  new mum. Some of these I see the sense in, some of them I loathe and some of them I think WTF like I have the time or inclination for that shite. I am not judging here -despite the obvious humour, these are actual statement that have been said to me (in the manner of well meaning advice from long standing Mafia members).

1. You must never ever feed your children processed junk food, it rots their brain
2. You must never sleep in the same bed as your child, you might suffocate them with your incredibly large baby belly
3. You must hand prepare all your food and freeze it in special ice cube trays and if you don't own an Annabel Karmel book then your child will be fussy and never eat.
4. You must expose your child to wonderful sensory experiences every day, bake with them once a week and have sensory baskets in every room.
5. Never let your child watch more than 5 mins of TV, again it rots their brain. In fact - Just get rid of the TV, even it's meer presence in the room could have a lasting effect!
6. Chocolate and orange coloured maize snacks are the devils food.
7. Do not let your child drink anything other than water - fruit juice, flavoured water and especially tea will make all their teeth rotten by the time they hit 5.
8. Don't pick up food or cutlery that has been thrown on the floor. Everything must be boiled and sterilised until they are a year old.
9. Iron Everything - even socks, if you don't then you are failing as a wife as well as a mother.
10. Routine, Routine, Routine - have one, stick to one and it should either be a Gina Ford one or a Baby Whispering one. If you go for the wing it and wear your baby in a sling and sleep with it in your bed one then a mental health assessment may be required.
11. Never admit to feeling low or not coping - always stick to standard response of 'I'm fine thanks'
12. Even small babies should be well turned out - certainly no sleep suits after 9am or before 6pm!
13. Never show your child negative emotions - that pretend plastic smile must be plastered on your face at all times!
14. Breastfeed - even if  the pain kills you because if don't you are subjecting your child to all sorts of bugs and you will be stuck with your baby flab forever!
15. Never feed them solid food before 6 months - because all babies are the same and they magically need food on the day they turn 6 months before then you will cause major damage to their insides!
16. You must attend a educational class with your child each week to strengthen their synapses, the natural world around them simply isn't enough.
17. Your house must be immaculate and when your baby naps you should be right in about the housework. There will be no TV and certainly no internet.
18. Do not let your child play computer games - this can result in violent outbursts and square eyes.
19. To be a great mother you must give up your job and devote your life to mothering. No more nights out, romantic evenings or hobbies. Everything must revolve around the tiny humans.
20. If your baby isn't sleeping through the night and cries a lot it must be something you are doing - if you kept calmer in your pregnancy and started a routine right away you wouldn't be in this mess - oh well!

So I'm jumping on Kate's bandwagon and joining a new Mafia because most of the above I would never measure up to so I am joining the 'real parenting' revolution.

In the first few months after JC was born I fell into the trap of reading loads of baby books and constantly comparing myself to others and was only left with a feeling of inadequacy and failure. From now on, I am throwing out the baby books and sticking to my own opinion on things. I will not compare myself with others, lie to other mum's about what I do/don't do. If they don't like it or want to judge me then I don't care anymore. One of my friends once told me that negative things the people say are really about them not me. It's their way of voicing their own insecurities.

The only person who knows what's best for my child is me. Nobody knows him better than I do and nobody (other than Scuba Steve) wants better for him than I do. I try my best, I love him to pieces and I will continue to work at being the best mum I can be but I won't get it right 100% of the time. I can only do my best and I will do a good enough job to produce a wonderful, self reliant, confident and independent young man.