Bottlefeeding - Guilt, Shame and Propaganda

I thought I had nothing better to do than to run a quick Google search.

"How to introduce a bottle"

"How to combination feed"

"Dairy intolerance - moving onto bottle from breast"

The short answer is NO, it wasn't that simple.

The Long Story

I breastfed JC until he was 8 months. I loved breastfeeding and I am an advocate of at least trying it. I have written previously about why I think breast is best (for me) and I still stand by all of that but this time has not been a walk in the park for me. I didn't keep well after the birth, I was on anti biotics which caused thrush in my nipples (ouchy ouchy, nippy nippy) and then I had two bouts of mastitis (major ouch). On top of the pain, which I soldiered on through (pass me the Blue Peter badge for perseverance), Laid Back Boy has had really bad reactions every time I eat dairy, forcing me to cut it from my diet. This has been really hard and I don't think I am always able to eliminate it completely leaving me blaming myself for every windy evening that he's doubled over in pain.

After much deliberation, I decided that instead of selfishly holding onto breastfeeding, I would do what I think is best for Laid Back Boy and start the transition to bottle using dairy free milk prescribed by my doctor.

Not only was I feeling like a total wreck  a little down about stopping but I was also feeling like I'd failed to give Jamie something that I so easily provided for JC. Nevertheless, I'm sure that good old Google will point me in the direction of solace and comfort provided by other mothers who are going through the same thing.

Did it hell.

The first site I went to was NHS. Bad decision. Full of 'bad mother, inadequate, failure' messages. Then I went on to Baby Centre which had a forum with someone posing a question relating to switching to bottle. The poor woman asking for advice was jumped upon by the judgemental breast brigade. Asking her patronising questions like 'do you really feel the need to give up the breastfeeding, shouldn't you think about what's best for your baby?' Advice to her was basically don't poison your baby with formula when you have two perfectly good and working breasts. Who gives a shit about how you are feeling, stop being so selfish.

My last resort? Formula Manufacturers website. Surely they will have some pearls of wisdom for me?

This is what I was faced with when I clicked the link to their site . . .

Breastfeeding is best for babies

Please read this important notice first

By clicking the continue button, you will be able to view information about Aptamil infant milks and other products. If you choose to proceed, you are accepting that Aptaclub is supplying this information at your individual request for information purposes.

Breastfeeding is best for babies and provides many benefits. It is important that, in preparation for and during breastfeeding, you eat a healthy, balanced diet. Combined breast and bottle feeding in the first weeks of life may reduce the supply of your own breastmilk, and reversing the decision not to breastfeed is difficult. The social and financial implications of using an infant milk should be considered. Improper use of an infant milk or inappropriate foods or feeding methods may present a health hazard. If you use an infant milk, you should follow manufacturer’s instructions for use carefully – failure to follow the instructions may make your baby ill. Always consult your doctor, midwife or health visitor for advice about feeding your baby.

Every manufacturing site had this information so I'm guessing there must be some sort of legislation attached to it. The thing is, we all know this. We're not stupid.

Formula milk is not tailored to your individual baby, it's expensive, it's harmful if you don't prepare or store it properly. It doesn't help to protect you or your baby against illness and introducing bottles will obviously lower the amount of milk you produce. We all know this. The decision not to breastfeed whether it be at the start of your baby's life or several weeks in, is a personal one and is not taken lightly. I know in my situation I really believe that combination feeding will be best for both my Laid Back Boy and me. I understand that by not exclusively breastfeeding I am viewed by the medical profession as a failure but I don't really care. They are not the ones who are having to comfort my boy in pain from colic and they are not the ones whose boobs are in agony. 

There is an endless amount of pressure on new mums and this is yet another example of the unfair expectations placed upon them. I am still breastfeeding but hoping to start introducing formula soon. I am feeling my way in the dark with it as finding any unbiased information that doesn't make me feel like shit is an impossibility! 

Letting go of the Mummy Reins

I took this picture on my day off last week when we went out for a nice winter walk

It's been a big adjustment going back to work and my main expectation was that my biggest problem with being a working mum would be that fact that I would miss him. I worried about missing out on the big moments, the 'firsts' that might occur when I was out at work.

I'm only working 3 days a week and I like the balance. I do miss him but I find that I am so busy fitting everything into my reduced week that I rarely have time to worry about it. As yet, I haven't missed any big moments as most of the really 'big' things like first steps and words have already happened. So imagine my surprise when out of the blue this week I end up in tears again over this subject.

I didn't expect this to upset me but it did.

Here is some background  - My Mother in Law does some of my childcare and a childminder does the other days. I guess I haven't been spending as much quality time with him as I usually do due to the move, working and finishing up with the band. So here's what happened.

At the weekend, he fell and hurt himself and when I was trying to comfort him he started pushing me away. He didn't want me to comfort him, he wanted his Gran. He has spent a lot of time with her this week and the relationship between them is really strengthening (which I love and encourage but it still pulled at my heartstrings when this happened).

Then after I had been out working all night in the band and I didn't see him for over 24 hours he didn't really care when I walked in to pick him up. He just giggled and ran away. He used to run to me and give me hugs. He used to light up when I entered the room but that seems to have gone.

Then today I went to pick him up from the childminder but when he saw me he started crying. He knew I was there to pick him up. He didn't want to leave. When I tried to get him in the car he took a huge tantrum. I cried all the way home in the car, big sobs. I feel like I am losing my special relationship with him and I don't know why or what to do about it.

I suppose I could look at it in a positive way. I can be thankful that he has really strong relationships with other important adults in his life, that he is secure enough to know that I am coming back, that he doesn't cling around my leg as I'm leaving which would subsequently fill me with guilt for the rest of the day. I suppose I should think that this is temporary and that when I move house I will have more time to spend with him. I should focus on those times when he gives me the 'love' look, gives me kisses and hugs me when he is tired. But it's hard and I'm struggling to come to terms with my feelings. So after his bath when we sit in our rocking chair with his milk and story, I will be holding him a little closer tonight.

Guilt, Lie Telling and the Mummy Mafia

I logged on this morning to do some reading and 2 of the lovely ladies that I read Kate Takes 5 and Metal Mummy both blogged about issues that are close to my heart at the moment.

Kate was talking about the white lies we tell to other mums to show ourselves as a 'good parent' or what we think the stereotypical role of a 'good parent is'.

Metal Mummy blogged about the things she does as a parent that must make her a crap mum. I feel that these issues are closely connected.

A few days ago I was reading a blog by Mocha Beanie Mummy who was commenting on how she has felt judged by other parents on the issue of healthy eating. She openly admits that her children eat McDonalds but not on a daily basis and she is so proud of them that they are actually eating something.

There appears to have been a rise in a social group I like to refer to as the 'Mummy Mafia'. A group of women (I have no first hand knowledge of this applying to men so I apologise for the gender stereotyping in advance) who sit around in the livingrooms, baby/toddler groups, coffee shops, school gates etc and invent the character of a perfect, flawless mummy. An invisible role model for all the less adequate mothers to live up to. They have created a list of do's, don'ts, must and must nots to live by. If you break these rules then you face public humiliation, scathing looks and revoked membership from the wondermum club. They have fallen into the trap of comparing each others parenting and comparing their children.

So what makes a good mum? What should I be doing? I have composed a list from the Mummy Mafia Handbook. Here is a list of some of the shoulds, woulds, coulds, dos and don'ts I have heard since becoming a  new mum. Some of these I see the sense in, some of them I loathe and some of them I think WTF like I have the time or inclination for that shite. I am not judging here -despite the obvious humour, these are actual statement that have been said to me (in the manner of well meaning advice from long standing Mafia members).

1. You must never ever feed your children processed junk food, it rots their brain
2. You must never sleep in the same bed as your child, you might suffocate them with your incredibly large baby belly
3. You must hand prepare all your food and freeze it in special ice cube trays and if you don't own an Annabel Karmel book then your child will be fussy and never eat.
4. You must expose your child to wonderful sensory experiences every day, bake with them once a week and have sensory baskets in every room.
5. Never let your child watch more than 5 mins of TV, again it rots their brain. In fact - Just get rid of the TV, even it's meer presence in the room could have a lasting effect!
6. Chocolate and orange coloured maize snacks are the devils food.
7. Do not let your child drink anything other than water - fruit juice, flavoured water and especially tea will make all their teeth rotten by the time they hit 5.
8. Don't pick up food or cutlery that has been thrown on the floor. Everything must be boiled and sterilised until they are a year old.
9. Iron Everything - even socks, if you don't then you are failing as a wife as well as a mother.
10. Routine, Routine, Routine - have one, stick to one and it should either be a Gina Ford one or a Baby Whispering one. If you go for the wing it and wear your baby in a sling and sleep with it in your bed one then a mental health assessment may be required.
11. Never admit to feeling low or not coping - always stick to standard response of 'I'm fine thanks'
12. Even small babies should be well turned out - certainly no sleep suits after 9am or before 6pm!
13. Never show your child negative emotions - that pretend plastic smile must be plastered on your face at all times!
14. Breastfeed - even if  the pain kills you because if don't you are subjecting your child to all sorts of bugs and you will be stuck with your baby flab forever!
15. Never feed them solid food before 6 months - because all babies are the same and they magically need food on the day they turn 6 months before then you will cause major damage to their insides!
16. You must attend a educational class with your child each week to strengthen their synapses, the natural world around them simply isn't enough.
17. Your house must be immaculate and when your baby naps you should be right in about the housework. There will be no TV and certainly no internet.
18. Do not let your child play computer games - this can result in violent outbursts and square eyes.
19. To be a great mother you must give up your job and devote your life to mothering. No more nights out, romantic evenings or hobbies. Everything must revolve around the tiny humans.
20. If your baby isn't sleeping through the night and cries a lot it must be something you are doing - if you kept calmer in your pregnancy and started a routine right away you wouldn't be in this mess - oh well!

So I'm jumping on Kate's bandwagon and joining a new Mafia because most of the above I would never measure up to so I am joining the 'real parenting' revolution.

In the first few months after JC was born I fell into the trap of reading loads of baby books and constantly comparing myself to others and was only left with a feeling of inadequacy and failure. From now on, I am throwing out the baby books and sticking to my own opinion on things. I will not compare myself with others, lie to other mum's about what I do/don't do. If they don't like it or want to judge me then I don't care anymore. One of my friends once told me that negative things the people say are really about them not me. It's their way of voicing their own insecurities.

The only person who knows what's best for my child is me. Nobody knows him better than I do and nobody (other than Scuba Steve) wants better for him than I do. I try my best, I love him to pieces and I will continue to work at being the best mum I can be but I won't get it right 100% of the time. I can only do my best and I will do a good enough job to produce a wonderful, self reliant, confident and independent young man.