Letting go of the Mummy Reins

I took this picture on my day off last week when we went out for a nice winter walk

It's been a big adjustment going back to work and my main expectation was that my biggest problem with being a working mum would be that fact that I would miss him. I worried about missing out on the big moments, the 'firsts' that might occur when I was out at work.

I'm only working 3 days a week and I like the balance. I do miss him but I find that I am so busy fitting everything into my reduced week that I rarely have time to worry about it. As yet, I haven't missed any big moments as most of the really 'big' things like first steps and words have already happened. So imagine my surprise when out of the blue this week I end up in tears again over this subject.

I didn't expect this to upset me but it did.

Here is some background  - My Mother in Law does some of my childcare and a childminder does the other days. I guess I haven't been spending as much quality time with him as I usually do due to the move, working and finishing up with the band. So here's what happened.

At the weekend, he fell and hurt himself and when I was trying to comfort him he started pushing me away. He didn't want me to comfort him, he wanted his Gran. He has spent a lot of time with her this week and the relationship between them is really strengthening (which I love and encourage but it still pulled at my heartstrings when this happened).

Then after I had been out working all night in the band and I didn't see him for over 24 hours he didn't really care when I walked in to pick him up. He just giggled and ran away. He used to run to me and give me hugs. He used to light up when I entered the room but that seems to have gone.

Then today I went to pick him up from the childminder but when he saw me he started crying. He knew I was there to pick him up. He didn't want to leave. When I tried to get him in the car he took a huge tantrum. I cried all the way home in the car, big sobs. I feel like I am losing my special relationship with him and I don't know why or what to do about it.

I suppose I could look at it in a positive way. I can be thankful that he has really strong relationships with other important adults in his life, that he is secure enough to know that I am coming back, that he doesn't cling around my leg as I'm leaving which would subsequently fill me with guilt for the rest of the day. I suppose I should think that this is temporary and that when I move house I will have more time to spend with him. I should focus on those times when he gives me the 'love' look, gives me kisses and hugs me when he is tired. But it's hard and I'm struggling to come to terms with my feelings. So after his bath when we sit in our rocking chair with his milk and story, I will be holding him a little closer tonight.