Tied to the Mast

"Tie yourself to the mast my friend and the storm will end"

Some days I start a blog post and don't finish it. It's not cheerful enough. Don't want my readers to think I am a moaner. Don't want to look like I'm doing the whole sympathy seeking thing. 

I'm having a bit of an off day today. There is nothing wrong as such it's just a hormonal day. I've cried over the metaphorical spilt milk since I got up this morning. Days like this do scare me. I'm terrified that I go back to the place I was in mentally when JC was Jamie's age. I hid the fact that I was suffering from Post Natal Depression from everyone, including myself. I didn't want to admit that I needed help. I didn't want anyone to think less of me and think that I had failed as a mother. I was terrified that someone would take my baby, who I loved and bonded with without difficulty, away from me. It took a flippant comment from the Health Visitor to reduce me to a snivelling mess which eventually got her alarm bells ringing. This was when JC was 12 weeks (Jamie is 10 weeks this Saturday). The truth was that I was blaming the way I was feeling on the colic that JC was going through when actually it was a deeper problem that that. 

Admitting to others that you quite often deliberate over the best way to escape, be that running away or driving off a bridge, is quite shameful and embarrassing for me to admit. Even when I talk about it with my closest friends and family, I still well up and struggle to verbalise. I often joke that breastfeeding saved my life. I remember thinking that I couldn't possibly kill myself because JC needs to eat and he wouldn't take a bottle. He needed me therefore I had to stay alive no matter how I felt about being alive. The mother who stepped out in front of the train last week really resonated with me as it was but for the grace of God that it wasn't my photo in a news story. You hear people talking about suicidal mothers and they say "I don't know how she could be so selfish. How could she leave her children/child like that". I think that comes from someone who has never experienced mental illness for themselves. When you are mentally ill you do not think rationally. It's not selfishness. In fact for me it was the opposite. I had myself convinced that I was such an awful mother that I would be doing him a favour by letting him grow up without me. Looking back now I think 'how could I possibly have believed or felt that'. 

I felt out of control of my thoughts and feelings. I couldn't move outside of myself and see the issues I was obsessing over were not important. I couldn't see that I had a healthy happy baby and should be eternally grateful. I couldn't feel that joy that everyone expected me to feel. I do this time round. I am enjoying being a mum to a newborn. Although not without it's difficulties and stresses, it is much more enjoyable. But I'm still having the odd off day. Some days I feel like I am hanging on to my sanity with my fingernails.

Funnily enough, it's my eldest who has the biggest impact on my mood. He's not liking me much at the moment. I'm putting it down to his age but I just hope that things come right soon as I hate not feeling the love from him. My new baby is a dream baby. I look at his little face and I feel so overwhelmed with love. I am blessed to have two beautiful, healthy boys. I am surrounded by loving friends and family and I am trying to use them as much as I can to help anchor me to the real world and not the dark caves that lurk below. I'm tying myself to the mast and waiting for the storm to end because I know that the sunrise which follows is worth the wait.

Sorry if this was an uncomfortable post. It was a bit of a brain dump but I needed it. 

Colic - what is it and how to cope

I've been unlucky. Both my boys have had colic. JC was the worst hence his nickname 'Grumpinator'. On a good day he would cry for around 2 hours sleep for 40mins, wake up crying, feed and start the cycle again. I lived for the times when a smile would break through the tears. On a bad day the crying would last a good 12 hours with no break for sleep.

I've been luckier with Jamie. For a start, he sleeps! His crying is mostly at tea time from 6pm- 10pm. I am coping better as I guess I know that this period, however stressful, is relatively short lived. I know there will come a point when his tummy will cope with the milk and he will be a happy little chap. 

I'm writing this post to give an insight into what colic is and the various strategies we have tried. If you are reading this whilst trying to console a crying baby, I hope it gives you peace of mind that you are not alone, fills you with promise that this will eventually end and deliver some tried and tested methods to help you cope. 

Firstly, there is no cure. Sorry, but I may as well open with that! Secondly, nobody knows what it is. The term colic refers to pain experienced by an infant accompanied by excessive and prolonged periods of crying. There are various ideas on what us causing the crying such as pain from trapped wind and/or constipation, dietary intolerances, overstimulation and tiredness. The treatments really address these theories and it's a case of trial to find out what will work for your child. 

Trapped Wind...

There are various drops and medicines that you can use to help bring up the wind - Infacol, Gripe Water, Colief. You could try cooled boiled water (spoon or bottle). There is a particularly useful herbal remedy called Colocynth which is a homeopathic granule you give them prior to feeding. 

Feeding technique - if bottle feeding you may need to take more regular breaks to wind baby, position in a more upright position, use anti colic bottles and ensure that the milk is fully in the teat when feeding. If breast feeding, the same applies in terms if position - try to feed baby more at an upright angle, ensure good attachment so that the baby isn't sucking in air. Take the baby off the breast for winding regularly and keep upright for half an hour after feeding. 

Massage is well researched and proven to help ease colic. There is a specific colic massage you can use to help release the trapped wind. Here is an example of the massage I use... 

Baby Grumpinator gets a colic massage. Sorry the sound isn't working but all i'm saying is:

Repeat each move 6 times for 3 sets. Try and do this before every feed, even through the night. You can do it with the baby clothed or without. 

http://youtu.be/R0RaIT3Su4A

Dietary ... 

Commonly, diary or lactose intolerance can cause colic pain. Cutting dairy from your diet or using a specialised milk can help to reduce wind caused by an allergy. 

Any food that gives you wind can also cause wind for your baby if you are breast feeding. You may want to avoid foods you know cause you this reaction or keep a food diary to look for patterns. 

Overstimulation/tiredness...

There is some evidence that evening colic is caused by a build up of stimulation and tiredness. To combat this, keep evenings quiet, low key, dim lights, turn TV off or volume down, play soft music, give baby a bath, lots of cuddles, rocking, share a story or speak quietly to the baby, try a massage with grapeseed oil and make sure your baby gets plenty rest throughout the day (taking walks or car rides if necessary). 

How to cope with excessive crying ... 

It's one of the hardest things to cope with. There's nothing worse than listening to your baby cry and not know how to soothe them. You are not alone and it's important to know where you can go for support. Here are some tips that worked for me ...

- make plans, go out, have somewhere to be each day to get you out the house. 

- seek out people to visit and hand over the baby as you enter their house. Use this time to relax and enjoy having your body to yourself. 

- eat well and look after yourself, even if you just slap on some mascara, you'll feel better for it. 

- talk about it. Don't feel embarrassed about how bad it is. Most parents have been there so don't hide behind a smile, admit when you need help. 

- at the end of everyday think of something that has gone well, something will have!

- when it's all getting too much make sure the baby is fed, clean nappy, dressed for a comfortable temp. Put the baby down in safe place (cot /Moses basket). Leave the room, take a break for 5 mins, have a cuppa, go outside in the garden if the baby is still screeching. Take some breaths, tell yourself it'll pass because it will.  

- if you feel you've hit crisis point you need to contact your health visitor, GP or national helpline such as Cry-Sis (http://www.cry-sis.org.uk/) 

It's a really crap time and I wouldn't wish a crying baby on my worst enemy but it's true what they say "this too will pass". After 12-16 weeks things should have improved. If not then it's worth hassling your GP. 

One of the things that keeps me going is the thought that for every mother crying in the dark because their baby won't stop crying there is a mother that is crying in the dark because cruelly they don't have a baby to comfort. No matter how awful it gets, it pays to keep in mind that this will get better and that we are all extremely blessed to have a baby, colicky or not. 

 

Bottlefeeding - Guilt, Shame and Propaganda

I thought I had nothing better to do than to run a quick Google search.

"How to introduce a bottle"

"How to combination feed"

"Dairy intolerance - moving onto bottle from breast"

The short answer is NO, it wasn't that simple.

The Long Story

I breastfed JC until he was 8 months. I loved breastfeeding and I am an advocate of at least trying it. I have written previously about why I think breast is best (for me) and I still stand by all of that but this time has not been a walk in the park for me. I didn't keep well after the birth, I was on anti biotics which caused thrush in my nipples (ouchy ouchy, nippy nippy) and then I had two bouts of mastitis (major ouch). On top of the pain, which I soldiered on through (pass me the Blue Peter badge for perseverance), Laid Back Boy has had really bad reactions every time I eat dairy, forcing me to cut it from my diet. This has been really hard and I don't think I am always able to eliminate it completely leaving me blaming myself for every windy evening that he's doubled over in pain.

After much deliberation, I decided that instead of selfishly holding onto breastfeeding, I would do what I think is best for Laid Back Boy and start the transition to bottle using dairy free milk prescribed by my doctor.

Not only was I feeling like a total wreck  a little down about stopping but I was also feeling like I'd failed to give Jamie something that I so easily provided for JC. Nevertheless, I'm sure that good old Google will point me in the direction of solace and comfort provided by other mothers who are going through the same thing.

Did it hell.

The first site I went to was NHS. Bad decision. Full of 'bad mother, inadequate, failure' messages. Then I went on to Baby Centre which had a forum with someone posing a question relating to switching to bottle. The poor woman asking for advice was jumped upon by the judgemental breast brigade. Asking her patronising questions like 'do you really feel the need to give up the breastfeeding, shouldn't you think about what's best for your baby?' Advice to her was basically don't poison your baby with formula when you have two perfectly good and working breasts. Who gives a shit about how you are feeling, stop being so selfish.

My last resort? Formula Manufacturers website. Surely they will have some pearls of wisdom for me?

This is what I was faced with when I clicked the link to their site . . .

Breastfeeding is best for babies

Please read this important notice first

By clicking the continue button, you will be able to view information about Aptamil infant milks and other products. If you choose to proceed, you are accepting that Aptaclub is supplying this information at your individual request for information purposes.

Breastfeeding is best for babies and provides many benefits. It is important that, in preparation for and during breastfeeding, you eat a healthy, balanced diet. Combined breast and bottle feeding in the first weeks of life may reduce the supply of your own breastmilk, and reversing the decision not to breastfeed is difficult. The social and financial implications of using an infant milk should be considered. Improper use of an infant milk or inappropriate foods or feeding methods may present a health hazard. If you use an infant milk, you should follow manufacturer’s instructions for use carefully – failure to follow the instructions may make your baby ill. Always consult your doctor, midwife or health visitor for advice about feeding your baby.

Every manufacturing site had this information so I'm guessing there must be some sort of legislation attached to it. The thing is, we all know this. We're not stupid.

Formula milk is not tailored to your individual baby, it's expensive, it's harmful if you don't prepare or store it properly. It doesn't help to protect you or your baby against illness and introducing bottles will obviously lower the amount of milk you produce. We all know this. The decision not to breastfeed whether it be at the start of your baby's life or several weeks in, is a personal one and is not taken lightly. I know in my situation I really believe that combination feeding will be best for both my Laid Back Boy and me. I understand that by not exclusively breastfeeding I am viewed by the medical profession as a failure but I don't really care. They are not the ones who are having to comfort my boy in pain from colic and they are not the ones whose boobs are in agony. 

There is an endless amount of pressure on new mums and this is yet another example of the unfair expectations placed upon them. I am still breastfeeding but hoping to start introducing formula soon. I am feeling my way in the dark with it as finding any unbiased information that doesn't make me feel like shit is an impossibility! 

Grumpinator - An unfair nickname?

Some people wonder why I call John the Grumpinator. Firstly it's because his first name is John Connor (Terminator) but also because up until he was about 5 months old he was really very grumpy.

When we brought him home from the hospital on the second day of his life, he spent the whole night crying. I had decided to breastfeed but my milk wasn't fully through and he was starving! He would get frustrated latching on and then cry constantly. My mum stayed over the first night and the three of us took turns walking the floor with him. I was exhausted. After the first 4 days my milk came through and I was so glad that I had persevered and didn't cave into pressure from well intentioned relatives trying to convince me that he needed to be put on the bottle.

When he was three weeks old he started to sleep about 3 hours at a time then wake for a feed. We were getting into a routine and he was happier through the day. It all changed at the end of a 5 'good' day run when he started crying after feeds. He cried for what seemed like forever. 12 hours of constant crying and I was really losing the will to live. I didn't know what was wrong with him but I couldn't console him. I felt useless. I kept thinking 'what a shit mother I must be that I can't stop my baby crying'. Why don't I know what he needs? Isn't this supposed to come naturally?

I took him to the doctors and I was in floods of tears. He sounded him and checked his throat and ears. He turned to me with a sympathetic smile and said "there's no need to worry, it's just colic and it will pass when he's about 3 months". I wanted to smack him in the face.

Colic is defined as acute abdominal pain and it's basically when babies can't break their wind and it causes them pain in their tummy. It could be a food allergy but really they never investigate it and as it's not a serious illness in the eyes of the medical profession. For a parent though, it can be the most frustrating and tiring time. He also had reflux on and off and would sometimes throw up full milk feeds.Bottle fed babies have more options available to them and it's easier to give them medication associated with colic. You can get special formula and you can put the medicine straight into their bottle. I didn't have those options and I was adamant to continuing breastfeeding.

I tried Infacol, Gripe Water, Massage, Colosynth Granules, Cranial Osteopathy, sleep positioners, Detinox Colic Drops, Colief, dairy free diet and different feeding positions to help the pain. I tried swaddling, rocking, white noise, jiggling, shhhing, swimming, side sleeping and co-sleeping to help relieve the constant crying and grumpiness.

It felt like it lasted forever. I didn't feel like I could go anywhere with him. I was a prisoner in my own house and I can say honestly that I really didn't enjoy being a mum for the first 4 months. I had wanted a baby for so long and I felt so guilty for feeling the way I did which is what I reckon led to me suffering from Post Natal Depression. The best combination of treatment for JC was Colosynth Granules, Osteopathy/massage and sleeping in his own cot, swaddled and white noise of a hoover playing all night!! Sometimes the only place he would sleep was on our chest as he was lying on his tummy and he liked to be swung on his tummy after a feed. It was a really tiring time and I would often have to put him down in his cot for 5 mins and go outside in the garden for some air. I really struggled during this time and I had lots of support. I feel for parents who don't have the support I had available to me.



When he hit 4 months his colic seemed to disappear overnight. He really changed into a different baby. It coincided with the introduction of solids at 4.5 - 5 months. Things really improved at 5 months when I took the decision to combination feed. I started off giving him a bottle of milk (Infacol Comfort) before bed and breastfeeding him at the other feeds. He is now a happy, content and well fed baby. He sleeps 11 hours at night and between 3 -4 hours through the day. With exception of his teething days, he is always smiling and lights up the room with that gorgeous little smirk of his.

So there you have it. This is why I call him The Grumpinator. He doesn't quite live up to the name these days but I will never forget the first five months of his life and although I miss holding my tiny baby in my arms, I am so glad that we are finally past that stage.