Some Days I Hate The World

This is for Matilda x

The blogging community stands together once again in solemn grief.

I was flipping through the photos on Instagram. Smiling at the happy photos of beautiful children and postings of proud mothers. When I saw a post which brought back that same kick in the gut that I had when I found out that Kerry had passed away in December.

Jennie, a lovely genuine person who blogs at Edspire about her 3 beautiful kids, went to feed her 9 month old at 10.30. She found that her Matilda Mae had been taken too soon from this world. Without warning, without reason, just gone.

I hold John Connor closer tonight. I smell his hair and feel the softness of his skin. I squeeze him in an attempt to hold him in an endless moment where I can protect him from this world of unjust tragedy and pain.  I can't imagine the pain the Jennie goes through right now. Reading through the processing of her grief on her twitter feed brings me to tears. Some days I hate the world, and today is one of those days.

As a person who finds strength in blogging but also in music, I leave you with this song which I find comfort in.

Happy 2nd Blog Birthday!

I can't actually believe that this blog is still going! I'm not one for really sticking to things. The amount of times that I have decided to start something (guitar, photography, a new exercise regime) and I've managed for a week and then lost interest. When I opened this blog 2 years ago, I did so for the purpose of venting my new mum frustrations, finding a place to deal with the depths of post natal depression and as a way to connect with people, which I was finding impossible to do in face to face situations at the time.

In a relatively short space of time I became part of the bloggers circle, I was chatting regularly with some great blog writers and getting some fabby feedback on posts I had written. I have always enjoyed writing but it is not an area in which I would've described myself as talented. I've since discovered that I do have a knack for self depreciating, humorous posts as well as honest, heartfelt and raw emotive posts. I think that this strongly reflects my character!

I have toyed with the idea of closing down the blog now that I am 'well' or should I say 'better'. I have thought about the fact that I never seem to find the time to blog now that I am working full time. However, after a bit of soul searching, I've decided to keep going. I would miss having this opportunity to lay myself bare to the nation! I enjoy writing about my life. I love to have a record of my little Grumpinator's early years. I think this year is going to be very interesting with some big changes ahead for us as a family. I would miss my blogging friends (you know who you are) and after the passing of Kerry recently, I feel I owe it to her to keep going.

I feel like I should do an overview of my year but it's been a pretty shitty one if I'm honest. Most of the joy and pleasure of this year has come in the simple moments with my boy. The moments when I look at him and feel my heart bursting with pride and adoration. The moments when he looks at me a certain way, hugs me unprovoked or tells me he loves me. It's those moments that have been significant for me yet I don't seem to blog about them! However, I've scraped the depths and come up with some highlights for you!

January
I started my 366 project so there are plenty photos on my blog (at least until I got fed up and stopped taking photos!). Christmas is a tough time for me in terms of post natal depression. I don't know why. Perhaps it is the extra stress on my emotions at this time of year. January was quite a dark month with posts about feeling useless and about my overeating in the wardrobe of all places. It wasn't all bad though. I went to see Ed Sheeran in Edinburgh which was Amazeballs! I had a night out in Stirling with one of my best mates which included an overnight stay.

February
I wrote one of my favourite posts about my friends, My hubby showed me he could still be romantic, in his own unique way. February was filled with fun times with JC and lots of outdoor fun.





March
I was so happy to share in the joy of my friend Paula's wedding. There was more outdoor fun with a trip to the beach.  There was lots of indoor fun due to rubbish weather so we some baking, painting and water play - mummy of the year award!

April
Saw the arrival and the sad departure of our first bunny, Rabbie :( JC got his first bike! We got the opportunity to review a Polarn O Pyret jacket which JC wore constantly throughout last year. My Dad, Barbora and my little brother Danny came over from Czech Rep for a visit. It was lovely to spend time as a family.

May
JC developed a love for horses! We got some lovely weather which meant lots of time spent outdoors. My Mum and Step Dad got an allotment which meant loads of veg for us! We got a new rabbit (Boris) who I am happy to report is still alive! We investigated the option of sending JC to an outdoor nursery. Our good friends, Greig and Fiona got married. I blogged about how my weight is holding me back from having another baby.




 June
My life at work took a bit of a nose dive. Things were pretty much awful. This is when my 366 started to fall by the wayside. I met up with my bestest Alana for some emotional support and cake of course! Things got so bad that I knew I needed to get out. So I picked myself up, put on a suit and went for a job interview - which I got! This change was bitter sweet. It meant less commuting but a return to full time employment which I still haven't adjusted to.

July
In some sort of moment of craziness, I decided to embark on a 5km a day for 100 days challenge. I raised £200 for Alzheimer's Scotland. I blogged about my Grandad losing his mind to vascular dementia. 







August 
 I didn't blog for the whole month. I think I will need to do a back blog for this month as I can't believe that I didn't even blog on JC's 2nd birthday! Anyway, we had a big party at the house and we went to Almond Valley for a kids party. I started my new job the next day which is probably why I haven't blogged this month. I was incredibly busy!

September
I wrote about the positive impact that walking was having on my life and how I wasn't really cut out for cycling. 

October
We saw that start of JC's vivid imagination and we started taking him ice skating which he just loves!

November 
I blogged about making children more resilient and I blogged about my friend Kerry (who blogs at Multiple Mummy) as she was in hospital after a brain haemorrhage.








December
We had much fun reviewing toys from Ikea. I wrote a post about toddlers being capable of torture. Sadly, I blogged about the loss of people in my life this year including an inspirational woman. RIP Kerry, you live on in our hearts and minds.

Phew! What a year! I can't wait to see what awaits in the year to come. Thanks to everyone who reads this blog and for the support you have given me over the past two years.

 xxx

Healing Thoughts for Kerry

I checked my emails on the 1st of August and as usual there was a smattering of junk mail and a few updates from the blogs that I subscribe to by email. I don't have a huge amount of blogging friends but the ones I do have are simply lovely, wonderful people.

I opened an update from one of my friends. Here it is here. It's one of those moments when you can't actually comprehend what you are reading, shock and disbelief take over. 

Kerry's Blog 'Multiple Mummy' was one of the first blogs I started reading when I started my blog 2 years ago. I love her carefree attitude to life and she always struck me as genuinely kind person. I had the privilege of meeting Kerry in person when I went to the CyberMummy conference last year. We hit it off straight away as we had lots in common. It's strange with online friends when you meet them in person as you already know them so well. We spent the evening drinking wine and sharing photos of our kids. 

The email update I opened on the 1st of August told me that Kerry had suffered a brain haemorrhage following a ruptured aneurysm. I've since followed Kerry's progress through her husbands posts on her blog. He is doing a great job keeping the blog going through this difficult time. I know this will mean a lot to Kerry as she worked so hard to make her blog so successful. 

This was the last update from Multiple Daddy where Kerry had taken a turn for the worst due to an infection which put her recovery back a bit. I am wishing for the day that I check my emails and there is an update from Kerry's blog and it's her, on her way home to her loving family. I can't wait until the old MumEnTum gang can meet up again. 

My good friend Liska over at NewMumOnline is holding a #Healing4Kerry event on Saturday at 10pm. I will certainly be thinking about her at this time as I often do daily. Hoping and praying for her health and her safe return to her family. 

If you are a religious person maybe you could put a prayer up for her, if you are not religious maybe you could send some healing vibes her way. 

Friends Are Like Flowers

Friends are like flowers 

Each unique in their own way

Put them all together

What a wonderful bouquet

Author Unknown

I have blogged about my friends many times and I am lucky to have lots of really good friends. More than I can even try to discuss here but I thought I'd put together a bouquet of some of my friends from the different areas of my life. Please excuse the awful photo shop skills! 

Alana - Bridesmaid and friend I met at Uni

Jemma - Bridesmaid and friend I met at Uni

My Cousins - Michelle, Leanne and Erin

My Edinburgh Uni (teaching) friends - Laura, Pamela, Moyra and Paula
Suzanne is missing from this photo as I don't have a photo of her and she doesn't 'do' Facebook!

Alison - We met in my probationary year as a teacher and she
has a wee girl who is 5 months older than JC. 

Angela - We met at a Netmums meet up. She has a wee boy who is
3 months younger than JC. 

Fee - She joined the band to cover my Maternity leave but we became
great friends in the process. She is due a baby in July and when she's ready
we will be setting up a duo and picking up the mics again!

Lynsey - We work together and she is the social leader of our staffroom!

Liska - We have children of a similar age, we both blog,
both trying to lose weight and have countless other things in common.
She blogs at newmumonline

This post was written as part of a writing prompt by Nickie at Typecast to raise awareness of the CLIC Sargent 'Yummy Mummy' campaign. I hope to get together with some of my friends in March to have a fundraising night for CLIC Sargent as I feel that it is such a wonderful charity. 

I've been tagged

I've been tagged by Cupcake Mumma to take part in a Q and A game. I nearly always forgot to do things like this but I'm trying to be better at remembering so here goes . . .

Here are the rules . . .

1) You must post the rules

2) Post 12 fun facts about yourself in the blog post

3) Answer the questions the tagger has set for you in their post and then create 12 new questions for the fellow bloggers you plan to tag

4) Tag 12 people and link to them on your blog

5) Let them know you tagged them

My 12 Facts

1 - My star sign is Aries

2 - When I was young I was mad about Greek Mythology erm Take That. (Geek)

3 - I am a retired wedding singer

4 - I teach Nursery children and Primary 2

5 - I'm a bit of a rule breaker (you'll see this below)

6 - I love my breadmaker - it's the best present ever!

7 - I married my high school boyfriend

8 - I am very short (5ft 1 (with my hands in the air)

9 - I am very competitive but pretend that I'm not 

10 - I love the smell of books

11 - I like to exaggerate when I tell a story. It's wasn't a fish I caught when I was 5, it was a shark!

12 - I get embarrassed when I buy toilet roll - don't ask me why, we all do it! 

My 12 Questions set by Hannah

1. What is the nicest thing you have done for someone?

I have no idea. I like to think I am nice most of the time. I did give a lady £1 last week because she had no change for the parking meter. She was very happy. 

2. What are you most proud of in your life

Difficult - the easy answer would be producing a beautiful son and to be honest I can't think of anything that tops him so I'm taking the easy route here!

3. How long have you been blogging?

One year and about 2 months. 

4. What is your favourite time of year and why?

I love spring, especially April. We always seem to get nice weather around April and May and I love the way the trees start to fill out and the flowers start to bloom. It's like a chance to start all over again and leave the darkness of winter behind. 

5. If you were to go and cook something right now, what would it be?

I would probably be more likely to go and bake something as I prefer baking. If it was cooking a meal it would be something out of my My Daddy Cooks cookbook (which is my kitchen bible at the moment) like Chicken and Tarragon Pie. 

6. What's your guilty pleasure?

I sometimes eat peanut butter with a spoon and sometimes I each jam and peanut butter together (with a spoon). 

7. Where did you go on your first holiday?

My first holiday abroad was to Rhodes in Greece, a place we went on to visit for many years as we loved it so much. 

8. What's your biggest fear?

Losing a loved one. As yet at 29 years old I still have all my grandparents and parents and have never lost anyone close to me (other than my family dog). I know this is inevitable but I fear it nonetheless.  

9. One way to make you laugh?

I really love the iPhone auto correct jokes. The get me going every time!

10. What was the last thing you bought?

I bought a photo cover for my iPhone with my little Grumpinator's face on. 

11. If you could travel in time when and where would you go and why?

I would go to Rome at the height of the Roman Empire. I love history and this is one of my favourite historical periods. So much drama! 

12. What's your favourite film of all time?

I really don't have one. I go through phases with films. I loved Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the movie) even though it was really crap. It's still a classic for me though!

I am going to be really bad and not make up new questions. I am going to set the same 12 questions for my readers. I have decided to be a bit of a rule breaker and not tag anyone. I will leave it open so if you haven't already been tagged and would like to be then feel free to use my questions in your own post. Comment here that you have done it so that I can check out your answers.

A Huge First For Me

Yes, it is another CyberMummy post. Sorry, but it has to be done.

Last weekend was a huge first for me. It was the first time I had left my son over night. It wasn't like I had left him on his own to forage for food and drink milk from a hamster style drink dispenser but it was still a bit traumatic for me. I left him with his Dad on the Friday night after putting him down to bed. I got the last bus from Glasgow at 11pm and it got me into London at 8am. No, I didn't sleep. Sleep is impossible when you are seated next to someone who chats incessantly and constantly asks you questions about what a blog is, why I write it and expresses sincere concern for my safety and mental health that I am travelling to London to meet people I met online. I think she was contemplating phoning the social work department or at the very least, my mum voice her concern that I had been groomed online. On a serious note, for advice on protection against such risks check out Liska's sponsor 

When I got to the beautiful Hotel Andaz in Liverpool Street, paid for by my generous sponsor HotPants, I took a quick shower, threw on some clean clothes (including my Hotpants T-shirt, see my photo) and I raided the complementary mini bar to see what snacks I could pack in my bag (just in case I got lost or abducted in the big city, I mean, a girl's got to eat!)



I arrived fashionably late but was welcomed by lots of smiling faces who made me feel very welcome. I spotted my Mumentum cronies at the front and had fun tweeting them with a game of 'I Spy Grumpinator'. I really enjoyed listening to Sarah Brown but then I do have a soft spot for her auld man considering he is from my neck of the woods in Fife, Scotland.



The rest of the day was a bit of a blur - barely time to breathe or take photos but there was time for wine (when is there not time for wine, it's practically my life source since JC started crawling).

Jays's photography workshop - Learnt lots of great tips! 

Tara - Blogger to Blogger Inspiration 

I attended Mocha Beanie Mummy's photography workshop and the blogger to blogger inspiration session. Both of which I really enjoyed. I also attended the session on Vlogging which I found to be extremely inspiring! Nick from My Daddy Cooks is a brilliant speaker, funny and entertaining. Loved the vlog he showed of him just starting out. Hilarious and refreshing! I bought his book and got it signed to me and JC.


My most emotional point of the day was listening to Nickie reading her post about discovering that her 13 month old daughter had Cancer and the events that followed her diagnosis. I don't think there was a dry eye in the room. It made me want to hug my son a little closer and I found myself feeling so grateful for my sons health. It's not until you hear a story like Nickie's that you really get a glimpse into you and your loved ones mortality.

Me and NewMumOnline

For the after party and curry I changed into my party attire (changed my top basically) and had a lovely time chatting with my new friends and getting a little tipsy on the wine. I am proud to say (and Heather from SAHM-loving it is my witness) that I was last to leave the CyberMummy party. So I was the blogger who got the very last ticket to Cybermummy11 and I was last to leave the party, that says everything about me really - My blog should really be called Last Minute Mummy.com. 

some of the #mumentum ladies

Wearing my sponsors T-Shirt

I would like to say a huge thank you to my sponsors, Zaggora - makers of HotPants for sponsoring my accomodation and my Mum - maker of HotStuff (me) for paying my train fair to get home.








When I got home my gorgeous boy gave me a huge smile, cried when I tried to then sit in the front of the car so I sat in the back with him. He held my hand the whole way home in the car and kept looking at me, just to check I was still there. He melts my heart. Enough said.