Keeping It Real

I do have a rather annoying habit of looking through Facebook and jumping on bandwagons. Someone is cutting up sandwiches into rockets with stars, planets and asteroids flying about the lunchbox, panic sets in, I need to be doing this! I am failing in my duties as a mother by providing my boys with a boring old tuna sarnie cut into rectangles. How dare I shelter them from a life filled with more exciting ways of cutting bread. Kids at school will laugh at them if they don't have a lunch box worthy of a Nobel prize for innovation.

I scroll through my newsfeed and I read shared news articles about how mothers who use their phones too much are psychologically damaging their kids because they are unavailable for eye contact and connection at every possible minute of the day. Shit, that is me. They are talking about me. Call me paranoid but they must know that I can't go longer than 10 minutes without checking my phone to see what all the more connected families are getting up too. Baking cakes, making puppets out of old socks, creating tornados in jars and generally not sitting on the couch, phone in hand while their kids tear each other apart due to the lack of continuous social interaction from their mother.

These are just a few examples. There are many, many more. Yes I am being a little dramatic and a bit tongue in cheek but it is quite a lot of pressure when the world of Facebook, Instagram and Pinterest can make you feel inadequate.

A dear friend of mine has posted a few beautiful family pictures on Facebook recently and alongside the photos, which on their own, could risk making a person feel inferior in the Pinterest Mummy stakes, she refreshingly wrote 'what the picture doesn't tell you is...' followed by a description of how I could imagine a cutting and sticking activity would play out in my own house alongside the hashtag #realparenting.

I've seen a lot of judginess on Facebook recently alongside quite a bit of unashamed bragging! What my friend wrote was a glimpse into the reality of life with kids and I found myself relating to the fact that the pictures that we post not only give others the (sometimes false) impression that our lives are rosy but also set extremely high and unachievable expectations for parents. Don't get me wrong, I partake in this 'let me show you how good I was today' photo posting as much as the next mum and what people post is their business, no judgement intended from here. What I do think is more concerning is what we or possibly just me, reads into that. It probably says more about my insecurities about my abilities as a parent than it does about what the intentions are of the person sharing their rocket sandwiches.

So I thought I'd share a few of our photo moments recently and shine the torchlight of reality on what was really going on behind the lens.

The 'They Just Love Each Other' shot - yeah they do BUT they will also step on tiny baby bunnies to be first in the sheet for a swing. The tears and snotters which preceded this picture was really something.

Yep, I take my kids to the park and just look at them. They love the chute, they adore the swings and you should see their little delighted faces as they are pushed round and round on the roundabout. Leaving is not fun. Leaving the park is the moment I dread from the moment I enter through those colourful gates of doom. I just know what's ahead of me. "5 minute warning darling, we are going to get John from school" I'm preparing him for the inevitable departure. "Time to go Jamie, lets go have fun in the playground!" NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Followed by dropping to the ground and grasping his little tiny fingers around the metal bannister of the stairs in a vice like grip. Removing him physically from the park is like removing a member of Greenpeace from a sit in. It's not pretty. It's always loud and there's usually a 'head shaker' from the school walking past at the time.

As a teacher as well as a mother, I often feel a heightened sense of pressure when it comes to the education aspects of parenting. Before JC started school in August I had daydreams about sitting at the kitchen table with my son, bonding over homework. rejoicing over the completing the word wall and laughing about the antics of Floppy and Kipper. Oh, My, Days. It's been nothing like that. It has been the hardest hour of the day since he started school in August. "It's boring!!" he screams "I'm not doing it!" he protests. "Yes you are, sit on your butt! I shout back. Why am I shouting? Why isn't bribery working? Why is this so bloody hard? I had to do something. I had to make an effort. I turned to my friend that is Pinterest and I searched for fun and active ways to teach sight words. The photos look great! Words on balloons, treasure hunts for key words, making words out of playdoh, writing them in shaving foam, creating a words car park for him to park his toy cars in. All of these are great and stimulating for a little livewire like JC but behind the photos, it's still a hard time of night, there are nights I can't be bothered being a teacher, I just want to be a mum.

Mutley Snaps

We recently had a photoshoot with a friend of mine who takes amazing photos of animals (Mutley Snaps). Ewan doesn't normally work with humans but thankfully made an exception for me. He had the privilege of seeing first hand the level of craziness that goes on behind great photos. My boys (in my very biased opinion) are very photogenic and beautiful but getting them to stay still long enough, look in the right direction and to make it through a photoshoot without tears is a real challenge. During the hour photo shoot, Jamie managed to fall into THE biggest mud puddle he could find. He was determined to run everywhere and was tantruming, refusing to hold hands when he took off, running like a mini Wallace towards his freedom. As we turned the corner,we found him.   He was lying, face first, flat out, in the mud. This wouldn't have bothered me if he was happy about it. He cried and cried and wailed and cried until I couldn't take it anymore. We had to abandon the walk and make our way back to the car for a clothes change. As it happens, I absolutely love the photos and you would never know by looking at these adorable snaps what sort of carnage had gone on behind the scenes.

Being a parent is tough. The photos tell you nothing about the heartaches, tantrums and failures but it's not all bad. We have a hell of a lot of fun, even when it doesn't go to plan and I wouldn't change our crazy little rockets for the world. I do think it is important to keep it real though and realise that if I'm finding that it is rather crazy behind the lens, I'm sure I'm not alone.

Ditching the Driftwood

It's my last day at work tomorrow before I head off to greener grass next term. I have to say I'm feeling a mixture of emotions from anxiousness, uncertainty and sadness to excitement and hope. I didn't think I was someone who clung to people and places. As a student I was always moving on. Flat to flat, courses to courses, part time job to part time job. I was never in one place for very long. However, since I have grown up a bit and become more settled these part few years, I have also become somewhat sentimental. 

I said goodbye to JC's child minder today. She has been fantastic over the past year, a real support to me. She has gone out of her way (or should I say beyond her job description) to cater for us and she has really brought out the best in JC during the time he has been in her care. We bought her some chocolates and I put JC's photo in a frame with a nice little poem. Something along the lines of 'we knew the day would come when we would need to part, but I'll always have a piece of you in my heart'. Something soppy like that! I usually cringe at things these kind of sentimental slogans but I found myself shedding a little tear.

It's the right time to move on. JC is going to be looked after by my friends and family now that I am living and working closer to home and I know that he will be loved and cared for. I know that despite the fact that I will be working more days, I will be travelling less hours and I will hopefully really enjoy the new challenges ahead.

At the moment I find I am clinging on to the nostalgia and sentimentality of the routine, the norm and the familiar. I need to let go a little and adopt the perspective that life is never fixed. It isn't a stagnant pool of water but an ever flowing river. I should stop clinging to the driftwood and just let go and enjoy the rapids.  

One More Step Along the World I Go

WORK IN PROGRESS

I have a new job! I've been looking for a permanent job in the local authority which I now live in for about 4 years with no success. In these difficult times, even teaching jobs are really hard to come by. I have been commuting since my return to work in August and lately it has really started to wear me down. It's a hour each way on a good day but can often by an hour and 20 and that's before dropping Grumpinator at his childminders.

I've really had a lot going on in my personal and work life lately and I don't feel like I can blog about anything that has been upsetting me. This has been really frustrating and the reason for my lack of blogging. I even gave up/temporarily haulted my 366 project 3 weeks ago because my mind just wasn't clear at all.

I had a really awful day a fortnight ago, the details of which I can't discuss but at lunchtime I looked on the job site. I was astounded to see a permanent Support For Learning Teacher job in the council I live in. This is the first permanent job I have seen for about 2 years! I felt like it must be fate but the closing date was the next day.

I frantically filled in the application that night and got my references together. The application went in on time and by the following week I had an interview. I went to the interview on Tuesday and I felt that I had done pretty well considering that since having Grumpinator I've felt a little 'rusty' in the workplace.

Well, an hour after the interview they were phoning me at work. I got the job!

Great!

Brilliant!

Well, actually no.

It is brilliant that I have a new job, in the council I want to work in, in the job I've always planned on sidestepping into, in a lovely school with friendly staff but there is a BUT . . .

It's full time.

Now I know that there will be parents reading this who had no choice or indeed felt it was right for them to work full time so I mean no disrespect to you. I think these decisions are personal and different for everyone.

I suffered quite badly with post natal depression and really didn't enjoy the first year of motherhood so when faced with going back to work, I naturally choose part time. It's worked out OK financially and the 3 day working week was a refreshing balance with family life. I wasn't planning on ever going back full time. Well, at least not in the foreseeable future.

This job is a full time with a half day Friday. I'll still get my oodles worth of holidays to spend with him but I'm scared of losing the precious 'us' time. I've always felt that I had time to make up for with him as the first year of his life with so difficult.

What has made me feel worse is that everyone I've spoken to about the increase in hours has tilted their head to the side, raised their eyebrows and frowned a sympathetic look. I know that these reactions are unconscious and probably a reaction to my own body language regarding it but it doesn't help.

As my good friend Annie told me this week, it's 'one more step along the world I go' and I suppose it doesn't have to be forever. It's just another chapter in the ever changing book of life.

I'm not a bad mother, just sometimes a useless one.

Ok, so that title is a little over dramatic.

Some days I feel like that though.

I'm guessing that a lot of parents have their off days.

For me, I feel useless when I forget something vital like my spare nappies in his bag or his bib for lunch when we are eating out (because I am human and busy).

Or when I take my attention off him for that moment when he decides to get the courage to climb up on his high chair and dive off landing face first on the laminate (because I am human and busy and he is an independent and fearless child).

Or when I take him to The Ceramic Experience (one of these 'my baby just loves to be creative and do hand prints on ceramics' type of places) and he screams and cries because he would rather be running around the shop or playing in the soft play (because he just isn't ready for this yet and I have too high expectations).

Or when we go to Mothercare with JC on reins and he spends the whole time straining and pulling in the opposite direction and giving the occasional protest shriek. Whilst passing mother's with angelic textbook children who roll their eyes in disapproval (because he is a spirited child and they obviously have no idea what it's like to raise one, either that they have a crap memory).

Or when I lose my temper and shout at him because after 3 attempt to pull my straighteners cord from my hand he manages to get it from me and it lands inches from his hands (because I am human and because I was so scared that he had hurt himself).

These are just a few isolated examples of course and the Mummy guilt goes a lot deeper than what I've listed here.

Some days I think I am doing a great job and that he is the most adorable little person on the planet but then I have an off day like today and I wonder if I actually have a clue about motherhood. But even on these days, I still love him and I still think he's adorable and I still thank my lucky stars that I have him in my life.

A Huge First For Me

Yes, it is another CyberMummy post. Sorry, but it has to be done.

Last weekend was a huge first for me. It was the first time I had left my son over night. It wasn't like I had left him on his own to forage for food and drink milk from a hamster style drink dispenser but it was still a bit traumatic for me. I left him with his Dad on the Friday night after putting him down to bed. I got the last bus from Glasgow at 11pm and it got me into London at 8am. No, I didn't sleep. Sleep is impossible when you are seated next to someone who chats incessantly and constantly asks you questions about what a blog is, why I write it and expresses sincere concern for my safety and mental health that I am travelling to London to meet people I met online. I think she was contemplating phoning the social work department or at the very least, my mum voice her concern that I had been groomed online. On a serious note, for advice on protection against such risks check out Liska's sponsor 

When I got to the beautiful Hotel Andaz in Liverpool Street, paid for by my generous sponsor HotPants, I took a quick shower, threw on some clean clothes (including my Hotpants T-shirt, see my photo) and I raided the complementary mini bar to see what snacks I could pack in my bag (just in case I got lost or abducted in the big city, I mean, a girl's got to eat!)



I arrived fashionably late but was welcomed by lots of smiling faces who made me feel very welcome. I spotted my Mumentum cronies at the front and had fun tweeting them with a game of 'I Spy Grumpinator'. I really enjoyed listening to Sarah Brown but then I do have a soft spot for her auld man considering he is from my neck of the woods in Fife, Scotland.



The rest of the day was a bit of a blur - barely time to breathe or take photos but there was time for wine (when is there not time for wine, it's practically my life source since JC started crawling).

Jays's photography workshop - Learnt lots of great tips! 

Tara - Blogger to Blogger Inspiration 

I attended Mocha Beanie Mummy's photography workshop and the blogger to blogger inspiration session. Both of which I really enjoyed. I also attended the session on Vlogging which I found to be extremely inspiring! Nick from My Daddy Cooks is a brilliant speaker, funny and entertaining. Loved the vlog he showed of him just starting out. Hilarious and refreshing! I bought his book and got it signed to me and JC.


My most emotional point of the day was listening to Nickie reading her post about discovering that her 13 month old daughter had Cancer and the events that followed her diagnosis. I don't think there was a dry eye in the room. It made me want to hug my son a little closer and I found myself feeling so grateful for my sons health. It's not until you hear a story like Nickie's that you really get a glimpse into you and your loved ones mortality.

Me and NewMumOnline

For the after party and curry I changed into my party attire (changed my top basically) and had a lovely time chatting with my new friends and getting a little tipsy on the wine. I am proud to say (and Heather from SAHM-loving it is my witness) that I was last to leave the CyberMummy party. So I was the blogger who got the very last ticket to Cybermummy11 and I was last to leave the party, that says everything about me really - My blog should really be called Last Minute Mummy.com. 

some of the #mumentum ladies

Wearing my sponsors T-Shirt

I would like to say a huge thank you to my sponsors, Zaggora - makers of HotPants for sponsoring my accomodation and my Mum - maker of HotStuff (me) for paying my train fair to get home.








When I got home my gorgeous boy gave me a huge smile, cried when I tried to then sit in the front of the car so I sat in the back with him. He held my hand the whole way home in the car and kept looking at me, just to check I was still there. He melts my heart. Enough said.

2/365 Back to School

I went back to work today with JC in tow to find out what class I will be teaching next year. I can't publish where I am going just yet as it's not public knowledge amongst parents. I am happy with my remit next year and although I am only going back to work for 3 days a week, I feel like I am regaining a piece of myself.

Ouch. Then it hits me again. Square in the face. The Working Mum Guilt. I know that loads of mum's have to work or choose to work and that I am actually in the majority but I can't help feeling guilty for not adjusting my lifestyle to enable me to stay at home with my wee boy. If I am being honest, I want to want to be a SAHM but I just can't. It's just not who I am.

The problem is, it's not about the money. Well, the money is good and without it we couldn't move house or go to Florida this year or keep both our cars but we are lucky enough to be able to afford for me to be part time and at a push, to be a SAHM. The reason I am going back to work is because I love my job. It's not just a make ends meet kind of arrangement. I have been a primary school teacher for 5 years and before that I worked with Autistic children which I also loved. I feel that for my own mental health I have to go back to work because I really miss it. Just as much as I missed my singing. I went back to the wedding band last month and have scaled back my gigs to roughly once a fortnight. JC doesn't even know I'm gone as he is usually in bed by the time I leave so this doesn't have as much guilt attached. I have felt my mood lift so much since going back. I feel more like myself again.

So why am I feeling guilty? I think it's because I am like a sponge. I absorb the negative comments and judgemental opinions of others. I really shouldn't care and I really shouldn't let it get to me but these are some of the comments I have heard from people recently . . .

"Why have children if you are not going to stop working to look after them"

"Mothers who work are selfish"

"You will regret going back to work as you'll miss loads of new things that JC does and you will resent that someone else will be bonding with him"

"When I had my children I cared more about them and their emotional wellbeing than material things which is why I chose not to work"

These comments are just a snapshot and I could write more. I don't agree with any of them. I don't think working mothers are selfish and materialistic women and I don't think that their children are damaged emotionally by that fact that they don't spend every living moment with their mother.

I think that I have given my son 12 months of my life when he needed me most. I have taught him the social skills he needs to cope without me when I do go back to work. I think that by working I will be mentally and emotionally healthier therefore I will be a better mother. I think that the extra money will go towards providing the best for him. I truly believe that every mother has the right to choose whether to work or stay at home and that whatever decision they make should not be made feel guilty. Most importantly they should not allow themselves to feel guilty as regardless of the decision, it is probably the best choice for their family.