Some Days I Hate The World

This is for Matilda x

The blogging community stands together once again in solemn grief.

I was flipping through the photos on Instagram. Smiling at the happy photos of beautiful children and postings of proud mothers. When I saw a post which brought back that same kick in the gut that I had when I found out that Kerry had passed away in December.

Jennie, a lovely genuine person who blogs at Edspire about her 3 beautiful kids, went to feed her 9 month old at 10.30. She found that her Matilda Mae had been taken too soon from this world. Without warning, without reason, just gone.

I hold John Connor closer tonight. I smell his hair and feel the softness of his skin. I squeeze him in an attempt to hold him in an endless moment where I can protect him from this world of unjust tragedy and pain.  I can't imagine the pain the Jennie goes through right now. Reading through the processing of her grief on her twitter feed brings me to tears. Some days I hate the world, and today is one of those days.

As a person who finds strength in blogging but also in music, I leave you with this song which I find comfort in.

Happy 2nd Blog Birthday!

I can't actually believe that this blog is still going! I'm not one for really sticking to things. The amount of times that I have decided to start something (guitar, photography, a new exercise regime) and I've managed for a week and then lost interest. When I opened this blog 2 years ago, I did so for the purpose of venting my new mum frustrations, finding a place to deal with the depths of post natal depression and as a way to connect with people, which I was finding impossible to do in face to face situations at the time.

In a relatively short space of time I became part of the bloggers circle, I was chatting regularly with some great blog writers and getting some fabby feedback on posts I had written. I have always enjoyed writing but it is not an area in which I would've described myself as talented. I've since discovered that I do have a knack for self depreciating, humorous posts as well as honest, heartfelt and raw emotive posts. I think that this strongly reflects my character!

I have toyed with the idea of closing down the blog now that I am 'well' or should I say 'better'. I have thought about the fact that I never seem to find the time to blog now that I am working full time. However, after a bit of soul searching, I've decided to keep going. I would miss having this opportunity to lay myself bare to the nation! I enjoy writing about my life. I love to have a record of my little Grumpinator's early years. I think this year is going to be very interesting with some big changes ahead for us as a family. I would miss my blogging friends (you know who you are) and after the passing of Kerry recently, I feel I owe it to her to keep going.

I feel like I should do an overview of my year but it's been a pretty shitty one if I'm honest. Most of the joy and pleasure of this year has come in the simple moments with my boy. The moments when I look at him and feel my heart bursting with pride and adoration. The moments when he looks at me a certain way, hugs me unprovoked or tells me he loves me. It's those moments that have been significant for me yet I don't seem to blog about them! However, I've scraped the depths and come up with some highlights for you!

January
I started my 366 project so there are plenty photos on my blog (at least until I got fed up and stopped taking photos!). Christmas is a tough time for me in terms of post natal depression. I don't know why. Perhaps it is the extra stress on my emotions at this time of year. January was quite a dark month with posts about feeling useless and about my overeating in the wardrobe of all places. It wasn't all bad though. I went to see Ed Sheeran in Edinburgh which was Amazeballs! I had a night out in Stirling with one of my best mates which included an overnight stay.

February
I wrote one of my favourite posts about my friends, My hubby showed me he could still be romantic, in his own unique way. February was filled with fun times with JC and lots of outdoor fun.





March
I was so happy to share in the joy of my friend Paula's wedding. There was more outdoor fun with a trip to the beach.  There was lots of indoor fun due to rubbish weather so we some baking, painting and water play - mummy of the year award!

April
Saw the arrival and the sad departure of our first bunny, Rabbie :( JC got his first bike! We got the opportunity to review a Polarn O Pyret jacket which JC wore constantly throughout last year. My Dad, Barbora and my little brother Danny came over from Czech Rep for a visit. It was lovely to spend time as a family.

May
JC developed a love for horses! We got some lovely weather which meant lots of time spent outdoors. My Mum and Step Dad got an allotment which meant loads of veg for us! We got a new rabbit (Boris) who I am happy to report is still alive! We investigated the option of sending JC to an outdoor nursery. Our good friends, Greig and Fiona got married. I blogged about how my weight is holding me back from having another baby.




 June
My life at work took a bit of a nose dive. Things were pretty much awful. This is when my 366 started to fall by the wayside. I met up with my bestest Alana for some emotional support and cake of course! Things got so bad that I knew I needed to get out. So I picked myself up, put on a suit and went for a job interview - which I got! This change was bitter sweet. It meant less commuting but a return to full time employment which I still haven't adjusted to.

July
In some sort of moment of craziness, I decided to embark on a 5km a day for 100 days challenge. I raised £200 for Alzheimer's Scotland. I blogged about my Grandad losing his mind to vascular dementia. 







August 
 I didn't blog for the whole month. I think I will need to do a back blog for this month as I can't believe that I didn't even blog on JC's 2nd birthday! Anyway, we had a big party at the house and we went to Almond Valley for a kids party. I started my new job the next day which is probably why I haven't blogged this month. I was incredibly busy!

September
I wrote about the positive impact that walking was having on my life and how I wasn't really cut out for cycling. 

October
We saw that start of JC's vivid imagination and we started taking him ice skating which he just loves!

November 
I blogged about making children more resilient and I blogged about my friend Kerry (who blogs at Multiple Mummy) as she was in hospital after a brain haemorrhage.








December
We had much fun reviewing toys from Ikea. I wrote a post about toddlers being capable of torture. Sadly, I blogged about the loss of people in my life this year including an inspirational woman. RIP Kerry, you live on in our hearts and minds.

Phew! What a year! I can't wait to see what awaits in the year to come. Thanks to everyone who reads this blog and for the support you have given me over the past two years.

 xxx

Healing Thoughts for Kerry

I checked my emails on the 1st of August and as usual there was a smattering of junk mail and a few updates from the blogs that I subscribe to by email. I don't have a huge amount of blogging friends but the ones I do have are simply lovely, wonderful people.

I opened an update from one of my friends. Here it is here. It's one of those moments when you can't actually comprehend what you are reading, shock and disbelief take over. 

Kerry's Blog 'Multiple Mummy' was one of the first blogs I started reading when I started my blog 2 years ago. I love her carefree attitude to life and she always struck me as genuinely kind person. I had the privilege of meeting Kerry in person when I went to the CyberMummy conference last year. We hit it off straight away as we had lots in common. It's strange with online friends when you meet them in person as you already know them so well. We spent the evening drinking wine and sharing photos of our kids. 

The email update I opened on the 1st of August told me that Kerry had suffered a brain haemorrhage following a ruptured aneurysm. I've since followed Kerry's progress through her husbands posts on her blog. He is doing a great job keeping the blog going through this difficult time. I know this will mean a lot to Kerry as she worked so hard to make her blog so successful. 

This was the last update from Multiple Daddy where Kerry had taken a turn for the worst due to an infection which put her recovery back a bit. I am wishing for the day that I check my emails and there is an update from Kerry's blog and it's her, on her way home to her loving family. I can't wait until the old MumEnTum gang can meet up again. 

My good friend Liska over at NewMumOnline is holding a #Healing4Kerry event on Saturday at 10pm. I will certainly be thinking about her at this time as I often do daily. Hoping and praying for her health and her safe return to her family. 

If you are a religious person maybe you could put a prayer up for her, if you are not religious maybe you could send some healing vibes her way. 

I've been tagged

I've been tagged by Cupcake Mumma to take part in a Q and A game. I nearly always forgot to do things like this but I'm trying to be better at remembering so here goes . . .

Here are the rules . . .

1) You must post the rules

2) Post 12 fun facts about yourself in the blog post

3) Answer the questions the tagger has set for you in their post and then create 12 new questions for the fellow bloggers you plan to tag

4) Tag 12 people and link to them on your blog

5) Let them know you tagged them

My 12 Facts

1 - My star sign is Aries

2 - When I was young I was mad about Greek Mythology erm Take That. (Geek)

3 - I am a retired wedding singer

4 - I teach Nursery children and Primary 2

5 - I'm a bit of a rule breaker (you'll see this below)

6 - I love my breadmaker - it's the best present ever!

7 - I married my high school boyfriend

8 - I am very short (5ft 1 (with my hands in the air)

9 - I am very competitive but pretend that I'm not 

10 - I love the smell of books

11 - I like to exaggerate when I tell a story. It's wasn't a fish I caught when I was 5, it was a shark!

12 - I get embarrassed when I buy toilet roll - don't ask me why, we all do it! 

My 12 Questions set by Hannah

1. What is the nicest thing you have done for someone?

I have no idea. I like to think I am nice most of the time. I did give a lady £1 last week because she had no change for the parking meter. She was very happy. 

2. What are you most proud of in your life

Difficult - the easy answer would be producing a beautiful son and to be honest I can't think of anything that tops him so I'm taking the easy route here!

3. How long have you been blogging?

One year and about 2 months. 

4. What is your favourite time of year and why?

I love spring, especially April. We always seem to get nice weather around April and May and I love the way the trees start to fill out and the flowers start to bloom. It's like a chance to start all over again and leave the darkness of winter behind. 

5. If you were to go and cook something right now, what would it be?

I would probably be more likely to go and bake something as I prefer baking. If it was cooking a meal it would be something out of my My Daddy Cooks cookbook (which is my kitchen bible at the moment) like Chicken and Tarragon Pie. 

6. What's your guilty pleasure?

I sometimes eat peanut butter with a spoon and sometimes I each jam and peanut butter together (with a spoon). 

7. Where did you go on your first holiday?

My first holiday abroad was to Rhodes in Greece, a place we went on to visit for many years as we loved it so much. 

8. What's your biggest fear?

Losing a loved one. As yet at 29 years old I still have all my grandparents and parents and have never lost anyone close to me (other than my family dog). I know this is inevitable but I fear it nonetheless.  

9. One way to make you laugh?

I really love the iPhone auto correct jokes. The get me going every time!

10. What was the last thing you bought?

I bought a photo cover for my iPhone with my little Grumpinator's face on. 

11. If you could travel in time when and where would you go and why?

I would go to Rome at the height of the Roman Empire. I love history and this is one of my favourite historical periods. So much drama! 

12. What's your favourite film of all time?

I really don't have one. I go through phases with films. I loved Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the movie) even though it was really crap. It's still a classic for me though!

I am going to be really bad and not make up new questions. I am going to set the same 12 questions for my readers. I have decided to be a bit of a rule breaker and not tag anyone. I will leave it open so if you haven't already been tagged and would like to be then feel free to use my questions in your own post. Comment here that you have done it so that I can check out your answers.

Versatile Blogger Award

The talented Sarah over at People Don't Eat Enough Fudge as given me the award of Versatile Blogger.Thank You! It has taken me a while to get around to reading the posts around this and decide what to write for mine! Being back at work is severely eating into my blogging mindspace and time! How Dare It!

Sarah is a very versatile blogger herself, she is a prolific writer who writes openly and honestly about her life as well as treating her readers to some fab creative writing through the meme Write on Wednesdays. I really enjoy Sarah's blog and I like the comments she leaves on my blog posts. You can tell she has read it for a start and that she has thought about and digested what I have written. I like that in a reader!

So what do I have to do for this award?
1 - Thank and link to the person who awarded you
2 - Share 7 things about yourself
3 - Link to 15 other blogs who you would like to give this award to

1 - See first paragraph!
2 - eek this will be hard

* I have a fascination with toilets. Every time I go to a new place I have to visit the loo. You can tell a lot about a place by visiting the toilets!







* I go through lots of Fads - photography, guitar, keep fit, hypnosis, piano, diets, yoga, writing, blogging!
I have started a few blogs as my 'fad of the week' but this is the only one I stuck at!








* I really want a rabbit but I am kind of scared of them

* I would like to live in France at some point in my life and drink lots of wine and eat pain au chocolate for breakfast (not the wine for breakfast) - hey, who doesn't?

* I scream really loudly on rollercoasters and waterslides - even before the move! It's quite embarrassing!






* Despite being a primary school teacher, I hate chalk and I don't really like apples, sorry to quash the stereotype.

* I don't like chocolate ice cream or chocolate cake but I love hot chocolate and bars of chocolate. I'm a chocist.







3 - In no particular order, I'd like to award these fellow bloggers the Versatile Blogger Award
Kate over @ Kate Takes 5, Liska @NewMumOnline, Lynne @Ooh Baby All Things Cuteable, Heather @SAHM loving it, Laura @YummyMummy FlabbyTummy, Gemma @Helloit'sGemma, Michelle @MummyFromTheHeart, Rachel @This Mid 30s Life, Penny @AlexanderResidence, Susan @SusanKMann, Nazima @WorkingLondonMummy, Wendy @Insidethewendyhouse, Katie @MummyDaddyMeMakesThree, Hannah @Mummyandthebeastie and last but not least Kerry @MultipleMummy

18/365 A Good Blog Following

I logged on this morning and realised that I had lost a follower. It got me wondering what makes you follow someone? Do you actually look at the blogs of all the people you follow? Are loads of followers really an indication of a successful blog?

I have no idea who has dropped off my followers list so I guess it's not exactly a huge loss but I couldn't help wondering what I had done to annoy that person enough to cut me out lol! 

There are some people I follow whose blogs I check every day. I check these blogs out because they are not only great writers who capture my interest but they have become friends of mine through regular commenting on the blogs or chatting on twitter. Then their are other blogs who I check weekly, they are people who take part in the same linkys as me. I really love their blogs too and I like to read back over their week and catch up. Then their are the blogs who I added to my reading list a while ago but forget about. This is no fault of the actual writer, it might just be that I am a sloppy and lazy reader. If I see someone familiar on a linky I tend to go straight to that one. If someone comments on my blog I always try and go and visit their blog and show some blog love by commenting back. 

I have never actually deleted anyone though. There was obviously a reason for me adding them in the first place and I think that if I don't read them often at the moment, maybe I'll rediscover them when I have more reading time in the future.

Postnatal Depression are dirty words!

I have been writing this post for a few months now but haven't gotten around to finishing it. It can be a lengthy process, dragging up the past. I think some mums find it difficult to broadcast their struggle with PND to the world because it's often got a whole load of guilt, embarrassment and self esteem bashing attached to it. I think it's important to share it because there might be someone else who will learn something or be helped by knowing they are not alone.

 When JC was born I thought that I wasn't coping well because he was a colicky baby and that I would be fine once he got 'better'. When Christmas came and he was better I realised that I wasn't. I don't believe everyone experiences PND the same way and the stereotypes portrayed in the media are damaging and confusing. I bonded really well with John and put on a pretty good show for the people around me but I was totally numb on the inside. Most days I felt absolutely nothing and other days I felt extreme sadness for no reason. I felt inadequate, hopeless and useless most of the time and guilty for not feeling happier when being a mum was all I had wanted for a long time. I kept looking around at other mums wondering 'how come they are coping and I'm not?' I felt worried about telling anyone about it because I thought they would think I was an unfit mother and a risk to JC. Postnatal Depression, from what I have read, does not mean that the mother will hurt their child. The risk of this is extremely low. So while we are on the subject, for the uninformed and interested, here are the main symptoms of PND . . .

• Depression  - (well Duh?) feeling low, unhappy, tearful
• Irritable - getting easily annoyed with partner, baby and other people
• Tired - every new mother feels tired but this is the kind of tiredness that leaves you utterly exhausted
• Sleepless - you're tired but you can't sleep
• Change in appetite - some don't eat and others comfort eat 
• Unable to enjoy anything - this was me! Total misery guts! 
• Loss of interest in sex - I won't be divulging any info here! I don't think many of us are really up for it straight away!
• Negative and guilty thoughts - you think everyone is talking about you, you're not coping, you're baby won't love you
• Anxious - you worry constantly about your baby's health, appetite, sleeping etc and that your PND won't get better
• Avoid others - another biggy for me. Don't leave the house and you and baby can be in your safe wee bubble. 
• Hopeless - you might feel that life isn't worth living, that you are not worth anything and that your family would be better off without you. This might lead to feelings of suicide. 
• Psychosis - a small number of woman (not me thankfully) suffer from Postpartum (pueperal) Psychosis which manifests itself as rapid mood swings, believing things that are not true (delusions) and hearing or seeing things (hallucinations). This is extremely serious and requires medical help immediately as it can be life threatening.  

My main difficulty was not being able to 'talk'. I am a well known chatterbox. Put me in a room with someone for long enough and I could probably make their ears bleed with my incessant chat. Over the Christmas period I was in a lot of social situations where I found myself mute. I couldn't take part in conversation anymore, I couldn't really listen to what other people had to say as I had lost my focus on what they were saying. This was the most difficult part of the condition for me and one that I am still struggling with.It also took it's toll on our relationship because it's not easy dealing with me at the best of times but I have not made Steven's life easy these past 10 months, although I'm sure he would say that he hasn't always been the most patient or understanding of husbands at times either. 

I turned to blogging as I realised that I could write down my thoughts and feelings much easier. I have found that blogging is a great release for my emotions. It forces me into having 'conversations' with people on a daily basis and the blog world is a really sociable place. I am not out of the woods yet and I am still working on my face to face conversations but I am getting there. For this reason I isolated myself and didn't want to leave the house. I am much better now and make a compromise with myself. We tend to spend the mornings in the house as it is JC's nap time but I make an effort to go out most afternoons. 

I am starting to be able to enjoy life more now and I find that I have good days and bad days. I have found it difficult lately as I have been really busy. It can sometimes be overwhelming. Treatment wise, antidepressants weren't for me so I decided to try counselling. I couldn't afford expensive therapy so I choose to seek help from the charity CrossReach who run a PND clinic in Edinburgh. They offer group therapy, one to one, baby massage, art therapy, Dad's group and a young mum's group. I see a lovely lady every Tuesday and JC stays in their expertly run creche. He always has a ball and gives me a huge smile when I pick him up. I go back to work in August and I hope that I will be in a better place by then. I can see light at the end of what has been a long dark tunnel. I sometimes feel sad that I missed a lot of happiness when JC was a baby but I can't change it, I realise now that it wasn't really something I could control. I just have to look forward. Thanks to Liska from New Mum Online who has been a fab supporter to me and kept me blogging, even when things were tough! She gave me the mumentum (lol) to finish this post tonight!

Kreative Blogger Award

The lovely Liska at New Mum Online awarded me the Kreativ Blog Award. I have been dragging my feet with this post as I have been struggling to fit all my posts in. The rules are 

1. Link to 10 blogs

2. Tell these bloggers about the award

3. Share ten facts about myself

So here are my ten facts:

1. I am a primary school teacher 

2. I've been a lead singer in a wedding and function band for 12 years

3. I turned 28 today, happy birthday to me! 

4. I hate chocolate cake and chocolate ice cream

5.  I love anything to do with vampires (books and movies)

6. Despite appearing confident and outgoing, I am incredibly insecure

7. When I get drunk or try to speak politely I end up speaking with a Glasweigan accent

8. I used to be badly behaved at school and I was excluded in 2nd year for 3 days

9. I talk loads, to the point of being annoying

10. I was terrified to go through childbirth to the point of feeling sick when I thought about it but I had a pain free labour with help of hypnotherapy

The bloggers who I would like to tag and give this award to are:

*apologies if you have been given this award before and you fed up receiving them! Also I would be giving this to Liska if she hadn't been the one giving it to me!

I have also included a link to a post from each of these bloggers that I have enjoyed recently as the reason for giving this award but you don't need to do this. 

1. Inside the Wendy House - for her recent post about choosing to be a SAHM.

2. JoJo's So Called Life - for her Dear Thomas post.

3. Kate Takes 5 - She never fails to get me giggling, I like this humorous post about her hubby's drinking.

4. Manana Mama - I love her recent Gallery post about Tomorrow.

5.  Muddling Along Mummy - I really enjoyed her Friday rant about the image of a real mum. 

6. Multiple Mummy - I like this post about Home Start, very informative with a personal touch.

7. Mummy From The Heart - for her beautiful post about being beautiful! 

8. Mummy...Mummy...Mum - I enjoyed her post telling her little boy what she loves about him.

9. Mammywoo - I laughed out loud at her Moaning Bitch Club post.

10. I'm So Fancy - I always laugh at Frau Fancy's lavish lifestyle, I liked her way of managing jet lag 

This took me ages and I'm now shattered! Having some birthday cake and then I'm going to bed! 

My First Blog Award

Many thanks to the wonderful Liska over at New Mum Online for choosing me for the Liebster Blog Award. It's an award that is given to 'little' blogs with under 300 subscribers. It's a chance to share some blog love and introduce our readers to blogs that they might not have discovered yet.

The rules (oh you know how I love rules!)

1. Display the award on a post and link back to the giver of the award.
2. Choose my own blogs to give the award to and let them know they have been chosen.
3. Hope everyone discovers some new favourite blogs.
4. Revel in the blog love.

So here are some of my favourite blogs, I have no idea how to tell how many subscribers they have so I'm sorry if I've linked you and you have more than 300! lol

1. Ooh Baby - All Things Cuteable
2. Yummy Mummy Flabby Tummy
3. Kate Takes 5 
4. JoJo's So-Called Life
5. Susan K Mann
6. Oh Mammy
7. Hello it's Gemma
8. Whiskey for Aftershave

I hope you enjoy discovering new blogs!