The Toddler Guide to Torture

Someone has taken my perfect child and replaced him with a monstrous 2 year old that I hardly recognise. On the face of it, he still has the adorable, butter wouldn't melt, look but the terrible twos have well and truly hit. He seems to be so good at torturing me at the moment, he could write a book on it!

The Toddler Guide to Torture

Sleep - don't let your parents have any. Wait until you think they have just fallen over into a deep sleep and then appear, in creepy horror movie style, at the side of their bed. Sweetly say 'Mummy, I need in your bed for a cuddle'. Let her think you are going to cuddle in and go back to sleep. She will foolishly fall for this and pull you in. Once settled, start wriggling. The wrigglier the better. There's nothing that winds her up more than a foot in the face. If possible, position yourself sideways, this is a sure fire way to induce shouting at 3am.

Food - demand chocolate for every meal. Don't expect to get any but tantrum anyway. Time them cooking. If it take less than 30 minutes to cook, eat it all and lick the plate. If you think they've put extra effort into it by taking an hour or longer to cook the dinner, don't even come to the table. If they take you to the table by force, refuse to eat any of it. Always ask for sauce. Once the food is covered, say you don't like it, say you want it off then sit back smiling. Toddler -1 Parent - 0.

Shopping - my personal favourite. The aim of the game here is escape. It's great fun to run around the shops but never let them think you are enjoying yourself. Refuse, point blank, to get in the buggy. When they go to pay at the checkout, use this opportunity to make a mad dash for the door. Refuse to get in the trolley too. Make as much fuss as you can when they are trying to bend you into the trolley seat.

No - learn this word and use it frequently. It's amazing the impact this one little word can have!

I want it, I need it - They get really riled when you demand things so the use of "I NEED IT!" comes in handy here. The other gem is to ask politely "please may I have ..." then when they give you it, throw it back and say "I don't want that!" This one works best on Mums, it drives them insane!

Tantrums - the daddy of all torture techniques. Wait until you have an audience. Shops, supermarkets, walks and drop offs at childminders are all ideal places to drop to the floor, kicking and screaming, holding your breath until you turn blue.

Poo - when you know that you've brewed a good one in your nappy. Act all accommodating until they open your nappy. This is your cue to roll. This will provoke screaming from Mummy and possibly sweary words from Daddy.

Lastly, don't feel sorry for them. They don't call it the terrible twos for nothing! It doesn't matter what you do to them because it will all be forgiven after you flash your beautiful, angelic smile!

Three Word Gallery

Tara has asked us to post around a  Three Word theme for The Gallery. Hmmm, I found this tricky so I turned to pictures of Kaiya. There is always inspiration there.

She will literally sleep anywhere. I have witnessed her fall off so many couches, chairs and beds because if there isn't space for her, she'll try make room. She prefers to have some sort of cushion for her head whether it's an actual cushion, your knee or our other dog Ruby. If hubby and I are on the couch she won't go and curl up in in luxurious and empty dog bed or the empty couch. No, she squeezes herself between us, just because she can.

So my three word gallery is . . .

She Sleeps Anywhere

Body in, head out

It's really her bed, she just lets us sleep in it. 

She has on occasion shut her eyes in this position 

Using my pregnant bump as her cushion

Using Ruby as her cushion

She pretends to cuddle you then makes you so uncomfortable that you move and she gets your seat!

Camping - she slept inside the sleeping bag, not on the floor.

Her favourite cushion

I love it when she cuddles me when I'm sleeping

Sleepy Head

We love to watch JC sleep and listen to his sleepy noises. I took these videos of him falling asleep in the past week.

Enjoying a snooze in his new car seat

Basking in the sun in the Czech Republic after a big lunch

5 Ingredients for my perfect day

Listography time again (late again as per usual!). The list as set over at Kate Takes 5 this week is 5 ingredients to my perfect day. I did actually think about this all day yesterday and found it quite difficult to narrow it down but here goes:

1. I would wake up alarm free. No baby crying, no dogs barking, no postman ringing the bell and certainly no alarm clocks! There is nothing nicer than just letting your body wake up when it has had enough sleep.

2. I would meet one of my good friends for lunch, champers and laughter.

3. Take JC swimming. It is one of my biggest pleasures in life and I look forward to it every week.

4. Take the dogs for a walk on the beach. It has to be their favourite place and I love throwing stones for Ruby and watching Kaiya leg it round in circles.

5. I would finish the day with a meal in a nice Italian restaurant followed by a trip to the cinema to see a good film (with a pic n mix too of course!)

Fill in the Blanks Friday (except it's now Sunday but I'm always late)

I'm always late for everything. Even my wedding. I wasn't late in giving birth but then I didn't have much say in that. I have seen this meme popping up all over my favourite reading blogs since Friday and I am just catching up tonight. So I have joining in this friday fill in the blanks meme which started over at the little things we do ...

I am a first time mum, a wife, a friend, a dog lover, a wedding singer, a bookworm and extremely tardy.

The bravest thing I ever done was get married. Not because I don't love my husband to bits because I do! But because I had lost all faith in marriage after the break up of my parents marriage and many of our friends and family who had relationship breakdowns in the run up to our engagement and wedding. I didn't think I'd ever get married because I was so scared that it would end badly but I've taken a leap of faith.

I feel prettiest when I have that 'head over heels in love with my son' look on my face, like in the photo above. (I've seen this one come up a lot on other people's Fill in the Blanks blog, it must be a common occurance!)

Something that keeps me awake at night is worry and anxiety that I am not getting this motherhood thing right. Blogging is what is keeping me up tonight but that's OK because it's my therapy!

My favourite meal in the entire world is haggis balls in a whisky cream sauce to start, chicken stuffed with a garlic and cream sauce wrapped in pancetta with maple roasted parsnips for main, sticky toffee pudding and toffee ice cream for dessert and of course a nice cup of tea and some tablet to end the meal calorifically!

The way to my heart is by being honest, open, kind and making me laugh until I snort and my belly hurts.

I would like to be a better friend and spend quality time with the people in my life who make me feel good. I would also like to be the best mum I can be but then that goes without saying!

Truly Grateful No1

I am very grateful for lots of wonderful things in my life but if I had to choose 3 for this week they would be . . .

1. I am grateful that my little Grumpinator has started sleeping better at night. He used to wake up every 3 hours and sometimes every hour if it was a bad night! Now he sleeps from 7pm and will sometimes wake between 3 - 6am for a feed but has sometimes surprised me and slept right through until 7am. I do like our midnight cuddles but 6 months down the line, they were starting to take their toll on my face!

2. I am truly grateful for my dogs because they provide me with unconditional love and affection. They are also the main source of humour in our household. Especially Kaiya, she actually thinks she is human. Don't tell Cesar Millan but we do treat her like a human being so it's not surprising! Here she is trying out our garden furniture last summer!

 3. Lastly, I am grateful for my hubby and his willingness to clean up the garden. As much as we walk our dogs regularly (2x a day, more if it's not raining), we often get a dog poo collection in our garden. We have had so much snow this winter that it started to accumulate. Well, tonight Scuba Steve was out their with his wellies on with shovel in hand, in the dark I might add. He got the urge to clean it up so out he went. I am very grateful for this chore as I hate picking it up but I also hate looking at through the kitchen window too. I can see clearly now the poo has gone!