I bought a house and I filled it with things

I bought a house and I filled it with things.

I had a plan in my head with a predetermined order of service. Buy the house, fill it with things, get married, have a baby or two, teach, settle...

I don't do settling very well. I feel like I am always searching for the next thing. I filled my house with things and it still feels empty. Similarly, I eat and eat yet I still don't feel full.

Over the past 6 months I have been going through a process of self discovery. I have allowed myself an hour a week of uninterrupted naval gazing in an attempt to reconnect with The Path I want to take.

What I have discovered about myself is this. I don't need the 'things' and I am not physically hungry but emotionally so. I am not currently living my life I am existing within a maze that I did not draw for myself but tumbled into through the rabbit hole of life. I am disconnected from who I really am and who I want to be.

Why this could be is debatable and multi layered. I suppose my life was mapped out from a young age. I left school unsure of what I should do next. My dreams of living a life where music was at the centre seemed naive and fanciful. I did what I thought I should do. I went to university. I studied psychology, I've always been drawn to studies of human nature. After leaving university I found it difficult to get employment and when the phone call came to say I had been accepted for teacher training it was a weight off my mind. This is when I properly jumped onto the hamster wheel. Since that time, I have followed the route signposted for me and I stopped thinking for myself.

Since January when I woke up to the charade I was living, I decided that I would try to find out what floats my boat and become an active participant in where my life is headed.

I started by taking back more control over my own house. Running it how I want to run it, raising my kids the way I feel is right and I stopped listening to constant chatter from others who thought they knew better. I still heard them but it was all talking in the wind. It only slows you down if you start listening. I stopped worrying about what people thought of me. I stopped caring if my house was untidy when people visited me. I stopped hiding my ironing in cupboards. I stopped eating cake in the wardrobe (don't ask). It was so freeing to finally just be myself with all my faults. What I found was that the people who love me, still love me. They don't come to see my house. They don't care what size my ironing pile is and they don't care that I like cake, a lot, and that I eat it, a lot.

This transition was probably uncomfortable for some people around me who felt that I was being different and even reckless at times.

I started singing again regularly and bought a new guitar. I became focussed on song writing, an area of my musical life I have always shied away from for fear of embarrassing myself. As I no longer cared as much about the perception others have of me, this barrier was removed.

I was so inspired by this renewed spark in me that I decided to get a tattoo on the wrist of my mic hand to serve as a reminder of who I am.

I am still playing the guitar and I have now started playing the ukulele. I am going to continue to develop my music over the next few years and I am excited for what the future will hold.

I have become a better mother, a better wife and a better friend for I have become a happier person. Most importantly I have stopped buying things. I have started selling and giving away things I don't need. I am decluttering my house much in the same way I have started to declutter my life. I am choosing to live minimally and experience maximally. I filled my house with things and now I am clearing it out.

Watch this space.

Preparing Our Children For Rejection

We all think so highly of our children. I know that before I was a mum I would criticise parents who blew their child's trumpet. There's nothing worse when you are sitting in a toddler group with a bunch of overly competitive mothers (or fathers) going on and on about how little Johnny was blinking when he needed the potty at 4 months old or how little Mary had a 1000 word vocabulary by her first birthday. I have to admit it though, I do it too. I often catch myself too late. The words are often out my mouth before I realise how boastful I sound!


Now I'm not saying that it is wrong to think your children are wonderful or to have high aspirations for them in life but I do think that there is a danger area which may lead to disappointment for our children when they are older.

When I was a child my parents thought I was going to be famous. I had a really nice singing voice and was very dramatic, in more ways than one! I was encouraged and told I was wonderful from the day and hour I was born.They ploughed money into musical activities as they knew it was a passion of mine. My Mum and Dad were realistic though. They prepared me for failure as well as success by emphasising the need for an education first and supporting me during the inevitable suffering of auditions. I was lucky to be picked for a few main roles in musical theatre and school plays early on which boosted my confidence but the first audition that I was told 'thanks but no thanks', I was devastated. My parents had a knack for keeping my dreams harnessed in reality. It must have been even harder for them to watch their daughter, who they viewed to be extremely talented and gifted to be told she wasn't good enough. They never let it show. Not once did I feel like I was a disappointment to them but equally they never let me feel like I should be automatically entitled to anything. They instilled in me a quiet, humbled confidence and plenty of resilience.

I saw this news story the other day about a parent who is 'priming' her daughter for success. She spends thousands of pounds on her grooming and classes to prepare her for fame. After reading the article I felt sad for the little girl. Nothing is life is guaranteed and I've seen so many talented and hard working people who just haven't made it. Isn't this potentially setting this child up to be disappointed and to feel like she is a failure to her mother?

I think the Xfactor culture doesn't help matters. The celebrity culture from reality TV is now what children aspire to. More and more when I ask kids in my class 'what do you want to be when you grow up?' The answer is famous.In schools, when auditions are held for performances, what I've seen in the past few years is really eye opening. From children crying and telling you sad stories (like they do on Xfactor) in an attempt to sway a decision to their parents phoning after the decision, outraged that their child hasn't got a part or didn't get the 'right' part.

In the real world, if you don't get a job you can't go crying in the interview to make them choose you or get your mum to phone the Manager to complain that you are better skilled than someone else who applied. So what message are we giving to our children about handling rejections?

So now I'm going to boast about my child . . .

JC is already showing an interest in music. He has no choice really, he is surrounded by instruments in our house and already has his own mini acoustic guitar, drum kit and Santa is bringing him a keyboard for Christmas. He has great tuning and already sings lots of songs from memory. He is a handsome chap and shows early signs of being creative and outgoing. He's a Leo star sign which if you believe in astrology is the perfect sign for an entertainer! I think John Connor/JC is a fab name for a musician. So I really should start looking into stage schools now.

I'm being sarcastic obviously! Seriously though, I hope that like my parents did for me, I can support and encourage him to do whatever he wants do. I will provide him with the opportunities to learn and develop his skills in whatever area interests him. I want to teach him to follow his dreams and be optimistic as well as realistic. I will be there to support him when he does experience rejection and help him to try again. My greatest dream for him is that he is a kind, happy and well rounded adult. If he can achieve this in life, I will feel like I've done a good job.

Run! Run! As Fast As You Can!

You can't catch me, I'm the ....

Well I'm not the Gingerbread Man and I'm not much of a runner but I'm still managing to take part in my charity challenge of 5km a day for 100 days. I wrote about the motivation for my challenge a few weeks back, at which point, the 5km a day was for 50 days. I decided to up the challenge after reaching my target of £100 in 2 days!

Just back from a walk together

So gluten for punishment I made it 100 days and I started last Sunday. Tonight was walk number 8 and I've trimmed 10 minutes off my time. I average round the 5km route in about an hour but I have started running  jogging part of the walk, admittedly, it's the down hill parts but we all need to start somewhere!

I've been walking with the dogs and with JC. The dogs are great as the pull me round most of the route but taking JC in the buggy adds an extra dimension of difficulty. At this rate I might have arms like Terminator by the hundredth day.

My walking music of choice this week was recommended to me by my next door neighbour and is 'Now That's What I Call Reggae'. Okay, it's probably a little laid back for this type of challenge but then that's me all over! 

7lbs lost and things are tightening up nicely. Send me positive thoughts this week as I'm going to my Dad's in Czech Republic on holiday this week so avoiding the pivo and forcing myself out walking will be a real challenge.

Laters ;)

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Little Drummer Boy - 16/366

JC is a very musical little boy. You will know this if you have seen his dance moves. His Auntie Lisa thought it would be funny to buy him a proper littledrum kit for Christmas. After refusing to take it back to her house for him to play when he visits her, I ended up putting it in the conservatory so that I could 'control' access to it. We do let him in there to play with it but just not first thing in the morning. I mean, come on, cymbals at 7am is not anyone's idea of fun (except JC's).

Here he is, banging out a tune, in his pj's . . .

Ed Sheeran's Shadow - 10/366

I went to see Ed Sheeran live at the HMV Picture House in Edinburgh tonight. Wow, the man is a legend and let's not forget that he is also extremely beautiful. There were moments when I really felt he was singing just for me. Ahh, Dream On! 

He Got Dem Moves Like Jagger!

JC's latest party piece is boogying on down to tunes. He is a music lover like his mum and he has been delighting his audience with his funky moves.

Check him out . . .

I love it!

Now That's What I Call Music . . .

When I was young I had a very varied music collection. I remembering getting my first CD player for Christmas when I was 10. Despite loving music, I was never really a Top of the Pops or chart follower. I listened to what my Mum liked or the CD's that my Uncle bought me to go with the CD player.

Kate Takes 5 has set a superb Listography challenge this week to list the first 5 albums that I owned. So here is my list . . .

*All images are taken from Amazon where the CD's featured are widely available

1. Johnny  Cash - I can't remember the exact CD but it was one that had 'A Boy Named Sue' on it. I loved singing that song and I used to have this album on repeat.

2. I also had a Motown CD, another genre of music I was partial to at the tender age of 10! Ok, so I didn't claim to be a normal 10 year old.

3. The first CD I bought with my own money and I only bought it because I thought it's what I 'should' be listening to! It didn't stick, I'm still not much of a pop lover!









4. I distinctly remember hearing 'Without You' when I was in Primary 7 and I thought that Mariah Carey had the most beautiful voice in the world. I also thought she was the Bees Knees as a person until she fell of that pedestal a few years later when I realised she was a total arse during an interview for GMTV.

5. This was the actual CD I listened to constantly during my early teens. It is the soundtrack to my youth! You can't beat some classic rock. I loved listening to Queen, Deep Purple and Rainbow. Rock is still my favourite genre of music for listening to, especially in the car.

Can you remember your first 5 albums?

I've Got the Music in Me - For Jay

As there is no official Silent Sunday post this week due to Mocha Beanie Mummy's last weekend of playing her Cello, I thought I would dedicate this music related post to her. 

I sing in a wedding and function band called Aquarius Scotland. I have been on maternity leave since July and the lovely Fee has been covering for me. I will be returning to the band in April and Fee and I will be job sharing. I can't wait to get back, I miss it loads! Here are some photos of me and my band mates taken by Fee's auntie Carolyn (Photos by Carolyn).

Liam - Lead Guitarist and Court Jester

Eck - Base Guitarist, Sound Engineer , Van Driver, Web Designer,
Administrator, Band Psychologist and Guidance Counsellor
 

Fee - Lead Singer and Route to Venue Navigator

Me - Lead Singer, Drummer Antagonist and
Professional Pacifist

Fee belting oot a tune

Me looking thoughtful

Eck - this is his serious face

Liam with his geetar

The Aquarius Family  - Aw Shucks