Letting Go

It's been about 7 months since I wrote my last blog post. I had got to the point where closing down the blog seemed to be the right thing to do. After much deliberation I have decided to stick with it but the plan is to refresh the look and revamp the writing. Letting go of the past is something I have been working on for the last 2 years. When I started this blog 5 years ago I started it because I wasn't happy. I needed to feel connected and it felt easier to connect to people online who were feeling the same as me. I recently decided to end my counselling sessions as I felt I had learned so much about myself and where I was going that I needed time to consolidate it all in the context of my life. I'm happy to report that I am doing fine. The need to blog lessened as the contentment grew until it got to the point that I really felt I had nothing to say but was enjoying being in my life rather than reporting on it. I've been glad of the break but I have missed the writing. So there will be changes happening over the next few months but I am excited to be back.

There is another aspect of change and letting go that I haven't discussed.

Our little Grumpinator started school. I can't quite believe it. The night before his first day I lingered a little longer at bedtime, stroking his head, kissing his cheeks and thinking with a heavy heart that I wish I'd embraced the early years more. I wish I had enjoyed him more as a baby. I wish I hadn't been in such a rush to see him meet his milestones. It's bittersweet of course because I am extremely proud of the young boy he has become and I am excited for him embarking on this next challenging stage of life.

As I dressed him in the morning before school the lump in my throat was almost visible. I held it together because I felt his anxiety and didn't want to add to it. A thousand thoughts travelled through my head that morning. Will he have friends? Will he know where the toilets are? Who will remind him to flush the toilet? How will he sit still for longer than 5 minutes? Will he drink the milk? Who will comfort him if he is sad or hurts himself? Will the teacher understand his little idiosyncrasies? Will he be polite and remember his manners? A thousand thoughts but the main one was really more about me than him. How will I manage when I miss him?

His loud screeching voice echoing through the house (usually when Jamie is napping) will become silent. The endless lego sets which are strewn across the floor will remain tidied away in their boxes. The fridge will no longer be raided and half empty by lunchtime. So many changes at home now that he is gone for six hours a day. Left in his place is JBoy who is moving into his next stage from baby to toddler. I'm sure he will keep me busy but at the moment the house is emptier and the conversation is only really centered around Fireman Sam and Octonauts.

Nevertheless, I have to let go. I have to let him become who he is going to be and accept that this stage is a beautiful one. Where the roots that we have sewn push through the surface and begin to grow. Where we catch a glimpse of that greenery of life beginning and marvel at its growth. It is the first of many growth stages. The first of many silent tears and lumps in throat and the first of many moments of pride for my baby who is now my boy.

A 'Philly' Good Carwash - 2/52

My daily photos are posted on my Blipfoto page but this was my pick of the week. . . 

He dunked his cars in his Philly cheese. 

That is all. 

What could I say? 

I just shook my head

I'm linking up with the 365 linky over at The Boy and Me 

Welcome Home Mummy!

It's been a week of illness for me. Not keeping too well at the moment due to catching a cold/flu bug (the downside of working with children for a living). I managed to go to work but it was a real struggle. I am feeling better today which is just as well because being a mum to a toddler equates with no sick leave.

I have to give him credit this week though, he has been very sweet and well behaved. I think he must feel sorry me! He has started to welcome me when I come from work which is really heart warming. He runs to me as soon as he clocks me coming in, he gives me the biggest bear hug and kiss. Moving his head back from mine a few inches, he looks me straight in the eye with this beautiful smile, which I call his 'love look'. It's like he's seeing me for the first time. Then he says "Love you Mummy, I've missed you, Did you have a nice day being a school girl?"



As much as I go on (and on) about hating working full time, the benefit is the welcome I get when I come home. I think that it makes us both appreciate the time we spend with each other and make the most of the time we have.

Terrible Twos

It's true what they say. Being two is hard work, it's emotionally draining, it's a tough life when you are learning the rules. I'll tell you something though, being two is nothing compared to be the mother of a two year old.

It's been a hard week. I started back work after a fortnights break for Christmas and JC returned to his usual routine. He started off the week by being 'off' with his Granny whom he just decided he was going to give the cold shoulder. He's going through this little phase of being a little indignant and rude. It's totally and utterly embarrassing but I have to give myself regular reality checks and remember that he is only 2. Regardless of age, children can be mean.

His mood followed into the next few days which saw tantrums with his other Gran when he decided he was no longer in the mood for walking anywhere and proceeded to scream and cry in the park until he was carried. The emotional blackmail kicked in during this scenario as he screamed 'I need my Mummy, where is she?' (Ouch, can you feel that tug on the heartstrings?)

He had another meltdown this morning as he attached himself to my leg as I tried to leave the childminders. I ended up being late for work as it took a while to settle him. He's not usually clingy but he likes to pull it out the bag occasionally!

On the flip side, when I went to pick him up from the childminders at lunchtime, he didn't want to leave. He threw a tantrum as I manhandled him out the front door, white knuckles clenched around the door frame as I pried off one finger at a time. He fooled me into letting him walk by himself to the car. As soon as his feet hit the concrete, he was off like a flash down the hill leaving me to chase after him like a woman possessed screeching "Do you want to go on the naughty step?" The twitching of curtains in the street didn't escape me. 'Control your child' I could imagine them muttering with their judgemental overtones. 

It's easier said than done believe me. I grabbed him and lifted him under my arm while his legs and arms flailed around gaining the odd kick to my backside and slap to the chin. After shoehorning him into his car seat, I managed to calm myself and take a deep breath. I climbed into the car and started the engine. With Buzz Lightyear gripped tightly in his hand, he looks him straight in the eye and the little voice says 'I am going to be a good boy now. I don't want to make my Mummy sad, I love my Mummy.

All is forgiven ;)

The Toddler Guide to Torture

Someone has taken my perfect child and replaced him with a monstrous 2 year old that I hardly recognise. On the face of it, he still has the adorable, butter wouldn't melt, look but the terrible twos have well and truly hit. He seems to be so good at torturing me at the moment, he could write a book on it!

The Toddler Guide to Torture

Sleep - don't let your parents have any. Wait until you think they have just fallen over into a deep sleep and then appear, in creepy horror movie style, at the side of their bed. Sweetly say 'Mummy, I need in your bed for a cuddle'. Let her think you are going to cuddle in and go back to sleep. She will foolishly fall for this and pull you in. Once settled, start wriggling. The wrigglier the better. There's nothing that winds her up more than a foot in the face. If possible, position yourself sideways, this is a sure fire way to induce shouting at 3am.

Food - demand chocolate for every meal. Don't expect to get any but tantrum anyway. Time them cooking. If it take less than 30 minutes to cook, eat it all and lick the plate. If you think they've put extra effort into it by taking an hour or longer to cook the dinner, don't even come to the table. If they take you to the table by force, refuse to eat any of it. Always ask for sauce. Once the food is covered, say you don't like it, say you want it off then sit back smiling. Toddler -1 Parent - 0.

Shopping - my personal favourite. The aim of the game here is escape. It's great fun to run around the shops but never let them think you are enjoying yourself. Refuse, point blank, to get in the buggy. When they go to pay at the checkout, use this opportunity to make a mad dash for the door. Refuse to get in the trolley too. Make as much fuss as you can when they are trying to bend you into the trolley seat.

No - learn this word and use it frequently. It's amazing the impact this one little word can have!

I want it, I need it - They get really riled when you demand things so the use of "I NEED IT!" comes in handy here. The other gem is to ask politely "please may I have ..." then when they give you it, throw it back and say "I don't want that!" This one works best on Mums, it drives them insane!

Tantrums - the daddy of all torture techniques. Wait until you have an audience. Shops, supermarkets, walks and drop offs at childminders are all ideal places to drop to the floor, kicking and screaming, holding your breath until you turn blue.

Poo - when you know that you've brewed a good one in your nappy. Act all accommodating until they open your nappy. This is your cue to roll. This will provoke screaming from Mummy and possibly sweary words from Daddy.

Lastly, don't feel sorry for them. They don't call it the terrible twos for nothing! It doesn't matter what you do to them because it will all be forgiven after you flash your beautiful, angelic smile!

Trolley Dolly - 57/366

We went to Boots for some toiletries and they had this child sized trolley which JC absolutely loved! He was such a good helper!

Check out The Boy and Me's linky for more fabby photos

Walk This Way Part 1

This is titled Part 1 as I imagine I will be reposting about this topic in the very near future when JC takes his very first unaided steps. It's quite a big deal from the point of view of the child but it's an even bigger deal for the parents. It's the first time when you are really surplus to requirements. I suppose crawling is quite independent but walking to me seems to mark the real start of their growing up and becoming a fully fledged toddler.

John Connor will be celebrating his first birthday in 2 weeks time and it is amazing how much he has grown, learned and developed in that time. I am so incredibly proud of every little step that he has achieved, magnificently and his own sweet time.

One thing about JC is that nothing ever goes to anyone's timescale except his own. I like that about him. He has shown his streak of difference from the outset. Showers not baths, jumping not crawling, finger foods not purees, man sized pizza not stingy children's portion and why sleep in a Moses basket when you can sleep in a roomy cot and in a room of your very own. He has always done things in his own way, in his own time.

I am so passed worrying about when he does things choosing now to live in the moment, cherishing each second I have with him, as time passes too quickly. He soon will be classed as a toddler, no longer my wee baby but I have really enjoyed watching and documenting his 'firsts' this past year are there are many still to come . . . stay tuned.

Here is a clip of him starting to stand up on his own and thinking of taking those major first steps . . .