Saturday, 15 December 2012

The Toddler Guide to Torture

Someone has taken my perfect child and replaced him with a monstrous 2 year old that I hardly recognise. On the face of it, he still has the adorable, butter wouldn't melt, look but the terrible twos have well and truly hit. He seems to be so good at torturing me at the moment, he could write a book on it!

The Toddler Guide to Torture

Sleep - don't let your parents have any. Wait until you think they have just fallen over into a deep sleep and then appear, in creepy horror movie style, at the side of their bed. Sweetly say 'Mummy, I need in your bed for a cuddle'. Let her think you are going to cuddle in and go back to sleep. She will foolishly fall for this and pull you in. Once settled, start wriggling. The wrigglier the better. There's nothing that winds her up more than a foot in the face. If possible, position yourself sideways, this is a sure fire way to induce shouting at 3am.

Food - demand chocolate for every meal. Don't expect to get any but tantrum anyway. Time them cooking. If it take less than 30 minutes to cook, eat it all and lick the plate. If you think they've put extra effort into it by taking an hour or longer to cook the dinner, don't even come to the table. If they take you to the table by force, refuse to eat any of it. Always ask for sauce. Once the food is covered, say you don't like it, say you want it off then sit back smiling. Toddler -1 Parent - 0.

Shopping - my personal favourite. The aim of the game here is escape. It's great fun to run around the shops but never let them think you are enjoying yourself. Refuse, point blank, to get in the buggy. When they go to pay at the checkout, use this opportunity to make a mad dash for the door. Refuse to get in the trolley too. Make as much fuss as you can when they are trying to bend you into the trolley seat.

No - learn this word and use it frequently. It's amazing the impact this one little word can have!

I want it, I need it - They get really riled when you demand things so the use of "I NEED IT!" comes in handy here. The other gem is to ask politely "please may I have ..." then when they give you it, throw it back and say "I don't want that!" This one works best on Mums, it drives them insane!

Tantrums - the daddy of all torture techniques. Wait until you have an audience. Shops, supermarkets, walks and drop offs at childminders are all ideal places to drop to the floor, kicking and screaming, holding your breath until you turn blue.

Poo - when you know that you've brewed a good one in your nappy. Act all accommodating until they open your nappy. This is your cue to roll. This will provoke screaming from Mummy and possibly sweary words from Daddy.

Lastly, don't feel sorry for them. They don't call it the terrible twos for nothing! It doesn't matter what you do to them because it will all be forgiven after you flash your beautiful, angelic smile!


  1. I remember those days well - also, the refusing to get dressed and pulling off clothes as fast as you put them onto them particularly on days where you need to hurry! xx

  2. He is a wee fashionista and loves putting clothes on so we haven't had that problem yet. He doesn't want to put his coat on when we are leaving the house though. X

  3. Aw, I can't believe the beautiful little boy in that photo gives you any trouble ever!


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