Letting Go

It's been about 7 months since I wrote my last blog post. I had got to the point where closing down the blog seemed to be the right thing to do. After much deliberation I have decided to stick with it but the plan is to refresh the look and revamp the writing. Letting go of the past is something I have been working on for the last 2 years. When I started this blog 5 years ago I started it because I wasn't happy. I needed to feel connected and it felt easier to connect to people online who were feeling the same as me. I recently decided to end my counselling sessions as I felt I had learned so much about myself and where I was going that I needed time to consolidate it all in the context of my life. I'm happy to report that I am doing fine. The need to blog lessened as the contentment grew until it got to the point that I really felt I had nothing to say but was enjoying being in my life rather than reporting on it. I've been glad of the break but I have missed the writing. So there will be changes happening over the next few months but I am excited to be back.

There is another aspect of change and letting go that I haven't discussed.

Our little Grumpinator started school. I can't quite believe it. The night before his first day I lingered a little longer at bedtime, stroking his head, kissing his cheeks and thinking with a heavy heart that I wish I'd embraced the early years more. I wish I had enjoyed him more as a baby. I wish I hadn't been in such a rush to see him meet his milestones. It's bittersweet of course because I am extremely proud of the young boy he has become and I am excited for him embarking on this next challenging stage of life.

As I dressed him in the morning before school the lump in my throat was almost visible. I held it together because I felt his anxiety and didn't want to add to it. A thousand thoughts travelled through my head that morning. Will he have friends? Will he know where the toilets are? Who will remind him to flush the toilet? How will he sit still for longer than 5 minutes? Will he drink the milk? Who will comfort him if he is sad or hurts himself? Will the teacher understand his little idiosyncrasies? Will he be polite and remember his manners? A thousand thoughts but the main one was really more about me than him. How will I manage when I miss him?

His loud screeching voice echoing through the house (usually when Jamie is napping) will become silent. The endless lego sets which are strewn across the floor will remain tidied away in their boxes. The fridge will no longer be raided and half empty by lunchtime. So many changes at home now that he is gone for six hours a day. Left in his place is JBoy who is moving into his next stage from baby to toddler. I'm sure he will keep me busy but at the moment the house is emptier and the conversation is only really centered around Fireman Sam and Octonauts.

Nevertheless, I have to let go. I have to let him become who he is going to be and accept that this stage is a beautiful one. Where the roots that we have sewn push through the surface and begin to grow. Where we catch a glimpse of that greenery of life beginning and marvel at its growth. It is the first of many growth stages. The first of many silent tears and lumps in throat and the first of many moments of pride for my baby who is now my boy.

We Chose to Love You

After some time when we had your brother, 

The question was muttered, "will they have another?"

Having our first born was something we'd planned

but having a second, well, your father had banned 

He said the thought of going through it again,

Would put fear in even the strongest of men.

but inside my heart was a voice growing stronger, 

Don't let him be an only any longer

Throughout my pregnancy I continued to worry

"How is it possible to love another" raced through my mind in a flurry. 

I needn't have worried for little did I know,

With each child you heart doubles and continues to grow  

Bringing you in to this world was an amazing feat

What a long wait but as soon as I saw you I felt complete

The voice within my heart shouted louder and true

and in that moment I realised that we had both chosen to love you. 

Although you brought so much joy to our lives 

In the first year it's a wonder how parents survive

through sleepless nights, colic and teething

Lying awake listening for you breathing

There was nothing more magical than feeds through the night

getting the chance for a cuddle and holding you tight

Losing myself in those eyes, deep pools of blue

your fingers gripping me tightly and feeling the warmth of you

A year on and my heart continues to grow

You are loved by all around you more than you know

So Happy Birthday to you my beautiful baby

and as they question "surely you are finished" I will simply mutter

"Maybe". 

Happy First Birthday Jamie Boy xx

Baby Led Weaning - A Typical Week

When I started this blog, the main purpose was to write about my adventure with weaning and specifically, Baby Led Weaning. I have been posting pictures of my Laid Back Boy self feeding and eating his solids on Facebook and I have had a few comments and messages from people who are welcoming these photos as they give them inspiration and ideas.

When I first started weaning with JC, I sought help and advice from one of my friends who had already been through this phase with her daughter and had great success. We discussed typical menus and what to feed when out and about and this was really helpful to me. I also invested in a cook book (I chose to buy Gill Rapley's Baby Led Weaning Cookbook, and no this isn't a sponsored post!) Before JC, I couldn't even make soup. I had no experience of cooking and what I did cook was pretty rubbish. I found that by sharing ideas with others and picking up a basic cookbook really helped me. When JC moved on from weaning and I grew in confidence with cooking, I bought a new cookbook called My Daddy Cooks, or as I like to call it, my saviour. This is written by a stay at home Dad and is just perfect for quick and easy family meals. He has a new book coming out soon (4th June 2014) and I can't wait to buy it!

So in the spirit of sharing ideas, here is our menu for the week. Our whole family will eat the same thing (give or take a few minor differences like cows milk, real butter and tomato sauce! It is designed to be varied within the constraints of my maternity pay budget and quick/easy to prepare with a 3 year old running around under my feet. Although not always listed here, I would try to offer a savoury followed by or accompanied with fruit. This is a contentious subject as people differ in their opinions on fruit and sugar etc but this is my choice and I am not a nutritionist. I am not advising here, merely showing an example of a typical week in our kitchen. I offer cooled boiled water from a cup with every meal and he still takes 2 7oz dairy free bottle feeds and 3 breastfeeds each day. The recipes for many of these can be found in the Baby Led Weaning Cookbook although I change and adapt them to suit myself now. I hope you find these helpful . . .

	Breakfast	Lunch	Dinner
Monday	Porridge (not the baby stuff, real oats) and mashed blueberries. (Loaded spoons)	Lentil and Vegetable soup with bread dippers	Grandad Kevy’s Homemade Burgers with carrot sticks
Tuesday	Scrambled Eggs and strips of toast with pure spread	Tuna Croquettes, green beans and carrot batons	Beef and Onion Stew and Mashed potato
Wednesday	Dairy free Eggy Bread and tropical fruit salad	Lentil and Vegetable soup with bread dippers	Chicken Salad
Thursday	Drop Scones (like pancakes but thicker) and melon strips	Tuna Croquettes, baby corn, broccoli	Meatballs in Tomato sauce and  spaghetti
Friday	Porridge (not the baby stuff, real oats) with apple and cinnamon puree. (Loaded spoons)	Sardines on toast Fresh fruit and soy yogurt	Bacon Wrapped Chicken with broccoli
Saturday	Egg and soldiers (Pure spread) Pear strips	Tuna mayo pasta	Meat Loaf with broccoli and carrots
Sunday	Drop Scones (like pancakes but thicker) and mango strips	Lentil and Vegetable soup with bread dippers	Roast Chicken Dinner

 

The Ordinary Moments - Couch Cuddles

I decided to link up with a fabby blogger who runs a weekly linky called 'The Ordinary Moments'. I like the idea of capturing the little things as I am trying to spend more time in the here and now.

Cuddles on the couch with my boys has to be one of the most ordinary but at the same time magical things about being a mummy. There's nothing nicer than snuggling up to read a book or watch a family film. I'm still breastfeeding my 3 month old so couch cuddles occur with 3 hour regularity!

It's the warmth, the smell and the feel that I love. I could easily spend a whole day just snuggling. JC is far too busy for that now and Jamie is becoming increasingly more active so would rather sit up and look around than sleep in my arms. I'm treasuring these ordinary moments where times stops long enough for cuddles as I am disappointedly aware that they come with a shelf life.

My Top 5 Achievements in 2013

I haven't taken part in Listography for a while but I have missed it! This week it's a reflective post on my Top 5 Achievements in 2013. It's been a busy year!

1. Biggest achievement was giving birth to a 10lb 8oz healthy boy with nothing but gas n air and hey, no stitches, need I say more! 

 2. I've survived a year in a new job role which entailed moving councils and working across 2 schools. It was so the right decision for me. I love my job and I've made some really good friends within my workplaces. 

3. I purposely didn't make a resolution last year to diet as that never ends well for me but since giving birth in September, I've lost 3 stone and dropped  2 dress sizes. I have done this through eating clean, healthy, dairy free food and regular exercise. I'm very proud of myself and I look forward to continuing next year.

4. I successfully managed 2 summer holidays abroad with a husband who was in a moon boot with a broken leg and an over excitable 3 year old, all whilst heavily pregnant! 

5. We celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary. We have been together since high school and it was probably seen as one of those 'it'll never last' relationships. But it did and it continues to. It hasn't been easy but nothing worth working for ever is. He thinks I'm an over the top drama queen and I think he's a selfish arse at times but we know each other inside out and still love each other so that must count for something. I've learned a lot about successful love this year and I think that first you need to find love for yourself, I'm still working on this. 

So it's been a productive, hardworking and emotional year. I'm looking forward to watching my boys grow over the coming year and I'm hoping to do a bit of growing myself. Watch this space! 

Hop over to Kate's blog for a catch up and other Listography entries ...

29 Hours Later . . .

Firstly, before I launch into my birth story, I'd like to introduce you our newest member of the Grumpinator family - Jamie Alexander Douglas McLean born on Saturday 14th September at 22.17 weighing 10lbs 8oz and measuring 58cm. 

It's been three weeks since I gave birth to our second baby but it feels like yesterday.

When I had my first child (JC - the Grumpinator) it was pretty much a dream labour. I would even go as far as to say it was an enjoyable birth. I didn't really feel the need for pain relief, I managed the whole thing quite well and recovered really quickly post birth. I was shopping round the retail park 2 days later and feeling great!

This experience was not quite the same.

Funnily enough, the first birth, nothing went to plan. The planned home birth/water birth ended up in a hospital transfer with a sentocin drip and continuous monitoring. The second birth went completely to the plan! I recently wrote about my birth preferences and I pretty much got exactly what I wanted.

I was 41 weeks and 1 day overdue when my contractions started on Friday the 13th at 5pm. That very familiar pain which reoccurred every 20 mins in the beginning wasn't overly painful but noticeable. I ended up having a nice bath and watching a few episodes of breaking bad whilst my hubby snoozed on the couch. I decided to go to bed and try and get some sleep at 11.30pm. I managed to catch an hour or so but it was disrupted every 20 mins so at 1am I gave in and got up. I decided to have another bath and at this point my contractions had dropped down to every 7 mins. It was time to phone birth partner number 2 - my Mum.

She kept me company while I lay in the bath until it was stone cold. I sent my hubby back to bed for a rest as I knew it would be a long day ahead. I then had a little bounce on the birthing ball in an effort to speed things along. I was conscious that it was 7am, already one hour longer into the labour than with my first born.

How could this be? Second babies should be quicker surely???

I was 4 mins apart now so at least I was moving in the right direction.

We decided to go to hospital. It was time to get a move on!

I arrived at hospital at 8am and the next 8 hours were largely uneventful. I stayed at 4 mins and nothing was happening. One thing that was happening was that I was flagging. I was so exhausted that by 4pm I had a mini meltdown. The midwife caring for me offered to let me go in the pool and it was like she'd just offered me a winning lottery ticket.

Once I got in the pool I was able to relax a bit. My waters still hadn't gone and they were talking about breaking them in a few hours if things hadn't happened naturally by then.

8pm - I'm losing the will to live. Come on baby, get out of there! Hubby suggested that I listen to my hypnotherapy CD to try and relax. 20 minutes into the hypnosis, I was in 'the zone' and all I heard was 'POP'.

"! Waters!" I cried, partly in relief but also in agony. Up until this point I had only had paracetamol but the pain once my waters had gone was unreal. I asked for gas and air which was much needed to get me through the next 2 hours of pushing. I remember the transition phase and feeling like I couldn't go on. The water was easing a lot of the pain which I was feeling and the gas was helping me through the contraction surges. I think a few sweary words might have slipped out and I remember thinking that I wish the hypnotherapy voice playing in the background would shut the hell up! Easy for her to say 'breathe your baby down' she's not the one squeezing out a 10.8lber!

After a gruelling 29 hours of labouring (2 of which were really hard graft) I birthed him into the water at 22.17. My mum and hubby were both witness to this momentous occasion. I lifted him out of the water and he was silent. It took him a few moments to cry out and they were the longest moments of my life. I was surprised to see that he was really blonde and didn't really look like JC. He let out a little whimper then a cry. I held him close and said 'I had to work hard to bring you into the world and you kept me waiting!'

We let the cord stop pulsating then hubby cut it. I got a kiss from him for my efforts before he took Jamie to get dried and to give him a cuddle. I had a natural 3rd stage which all went fine and then I got out from the pool. Once in bed, I gave him his first feed and he was a natural. He fed for a good 40 minutes and seemed settled afterwards. We then got him weighed. The midwife had to weigh him twice as she thought she had made a mistake with the scales. 10lbs 8oz. Holy shit! I can't believe I did that naturally!

I was still bleeding quite heavily and the afterpains were agony. I had a little sleep for an hour and a bit toast (why does hospital toast always taste amazing?). I decided to go for a shower. This is really where things start to go quite wrong.

I didn't feel right in the shower. I was finding it hard to breathe and was a little dizzy. I held onto the bar as I showered. The next thing I remember is waking up with the midwives all around me, picking me up from the floor and praising me for pulling the emergency cord. I've no recollection of doing that and I wasn't quite sure how I had ended up on the floor but I was flat on my back and I had hit my head off the toilet on the way down. I felt like I'd been hit by a bus. As they pulled me up from the floor I looked down at the shower room floor to see that I was surrounded by a massive amount of blood. I was having a post partum haemorrhage. They quickly gave me an injection of sentometrine to control the bleeding. I was put in a wheel chair and taken back to bed. I was a bit concussed and I had hurt myself quite badly when I'd fallen.

To cut a long story shorter, I stayed in hospital another night as I wasn't quite ready to go home. I still felt out of sorts, short of breath and dizzy. I was still bleeding heavily and this lasted for 14 days after the birth. I was really worried that I was going to have another haemorrhage. As stupid as it sounds, I was scared to go to sleep in case I didn't wake up. I'm anaemic anyway and my blood count was low when I left hospital, to continue to bleed could not be a good thing for me and I was well aware of this. I've had two infections since the birth, one in the womb and one in the breast. It hasn't been a easy time. I expected to recover quickly like I did with JC but it's been 3 weeks and I am only just starting to feel like myself again. I feel quite traumatised by the shower incident and I feel panic every time I go in the shower. It's going to take time for me to feel ok again I guess.

On the plus side, I have a beautiful baby boy who was worth every moment of agony and worry. I am a very lucky lady to have 2 healthy and happy boys to lavish love on. I feel positive about being a mum this time round and I pledge not to take myself too seriously. I am looking forward to the new chapter in my life and I am looking forward to sharing it with you.