We Chose to Love You

After some time when we had your brother, 

The question was muttered, "will they have another?"

Having our first born was something we'd planned

but having a second, well, your father had banned 

He said the thought of going through it again,

Would put fear in even the strongest of men.

but inside my heart was a voice growing stronger, 

Don't let him be an only any longer

Throughout my pregnancy I continued to worry

"How is it possible to love another" raced through my mind in a flurry. 

I needn't have worried for little did I know,

With each child you heart doubles and continues to grow  

Bringing you in to this world was an amazing feat

What a long wait but as soon as I saw you I felt complete

The voice within my heart shouted louder and true

and in that moment I realised that we had both chosen to love you. 

Although you brought so much joy to our lives 

In the first year it's a wonder how parents survive

through sleepless nights, colic and teething

Lying awake listening for you breathing

There was nothing more magical than feeds through the night

getting the chance for a cuddle and holding you tight

Losing myself in those eyes, deep pools of blue

your fingers gripping me tightly and feeling the warmth of you

A year on and my heart continues to grow

You are loved by all around you more than you know

So Happy Birthday to you my beautiful baby

and as they question "surely you are finished" I will simply mutter

"Maybe". 

Happy First Birthday Jamie Boy xx

What the Facebook photos don't tell you

Someone once said to me "You have a perfect life, I can tell from your Facebook." 

They told me that every time they saw my photos and read my updates that they were envious of me and the life I appeared to be living. 

It was a time in my life when things were really tough. I couldn't allow the outside world a glimpse into what I was really feeling.So in an attempt to hide, I filled my profile with the cuteness of my newborn and the fun family activities we did together. I checked into restaurants and cafes  and wrote about the 'mummy who lunches'. I didn't mention the whole days spent locked in the house because I couldn't bear to leave. The rocking and crying, trying to self soothe while the baby screamed for coming on 12 hours. I neglected to mention the guilt I felt for not feeling lucky, privileged and blessed when everyone around me expected me to. I didn't talk about the sleep deprivation and being up every two hours for the first 6 months, except for the occasional light-hearted comment like 'why won't this baby sleep?'

I didn't check- in when I visited the Post Natal Depression service. Instead I spoke about this new 'creche' I was taking JC to in Edinburgh. During my post counselling reflection time my status update would read 'sitting in Starbucks, enjoying an Iced Frappe'. I didn't think that 'I've just bared my soul and confessed my thoughts to a stranger and now I'm dwelling on what issues I've raised for myself' would be comfortable status for others to read. 

Time wore on, I started blogging, things got better. I was cured. 

Cue the well timed and expected scan photo with the 'We are due baby no 2 in Sept!!' update. 

I'm telling myself that it's going to be different this time. I've moved house, I'm near my family, I have great neighbours, I have more friends around me, I have knowledge and experience, I'm a few years older, my husband has matured and might be in a better place to support me, I have my blog and most importantly, I got through it the first time and felt better on the other side. 

I've been more honest throughout this pregnancy. I've posted more on social networks about the trials and tribulations of my pregnancy, making no bones about the fact that I don't carry babies well. Although I keep healthy and thankfully have no serious issues, I have had the usual pregnancy symptoms which I really don't enjoy. Throw into the mix a very precocious toddler who is testing every last ounce of patience I have left. I probably come across to my FB friends as a moaner but at least it's real. 

I worry about how I will cope with two children. There are days when I feel I am not coping very well with one. I wish I could be more laid back and relaxed. It's just not my personality. I'm trying to juggle a full time career with motherhood. It's not easy and there are days when I wish I could afford to be at home or be more efficient at managing my life. 

I look at the photos of other mums on Facebook and think "You have a perfect life, I can tell from your Facebook." - Ah!