Grateful for the Mess

I looked around myself on Dec 27th and I was surrounded by mess. Total chaos. Toys everywhere, sweetie wrappers lying abandoned in the corners of the room, several kids cups half filled with water on each available surface. My windows and patio door were covered in what only can be described as jammy handprint approximately age 2 sized. In my kitchen there were muddy paw prints all over the floor and a steadily growing freshly washed pile of clothes on the kitchen surface ready to be ironed or folded and put away. There were plates left in the sink from the hubby's dinner the night before that he neglected to put in the dishwasher. You wouldn't believe that on Christmas Eve, a mere 3 days ago, the house was spotlessly clean, tidy and clutter free.

Surprisingly though, as I looked around my house I didn't feel annoyed or resentful as I often do about the state of the place so quickly after I've worked hard to clean it. I realised that I am very lucky and I am very grateful for this mess, this chaos. I am so grateful that I have a house to make a mess in, a husband and children to make the mess, running water to fill our cups with, food to eat, money to buy toys for the kids to play with and clutter up my living room with. I am thankful that we have clothes to wear, that my dog is still with us and healthy enough to go outside and run around in the mud and that we are all healthy and together this Christmas. I know a lot of people who are struggling this Christmas due to losses in one way or another. I also know that these sticky handprints and muddy paws don't last forever so I must treasure them while I have them. I am grateful that I have what I have, even if it is a little messy.

I hope you all had a lovely, messy and chaotic Christmas!

Day 1 Buddy Blog: Buddy is Back

Our little elf Buddy, who filled our hearts with joy last year, made a return today. I usually fail miserably at 'super mum' like activities such as sensory baths and visits to ceramic cafes but this is one thing I seem to have managed to do right. 

I wasn't sure how John would respond to seeing Buddy again. I worried that he would be happy for 5 minutes then throw him down amongst the other teddies. I couldn't have been more wrong.

When I turned on the living room light and he squealed with delight at the sight of Buddy tucked up in Christmas covers under our tree, I knew it was more than just an elf.

It was IT. You know, The Magic. That moment of belief in something that takes pure faith. The magical part of Christmas that can't be wrapped in a paper or switched on at the plug to overwhelm the senses with dancing fairy lights. It's the part that takes you to that child like place where dreams are real and wishes come true, when families spend time together and laughter surely follows.

I think that's why Buddy is not just an elf to our family. He represents the joy of Christmas. John spent the day carrying him around the house, pointing out the changes since he left last Christmas Eve.

"Look at my big boy bed Buddy "
"Look at my new Spiderman Buddy"
"I pee standing up now!"
"Em, Buddy.  I'm really sorry to tell you this but... Ruby died. I know you'll miss her and sometimes I'm sad too Buddy but she's getting walks in Heaven so it's fine Buddy. I think  Jesus likes dogs because he liked cows and sheep as a baby. He liked kings and shepherds too."

Today Buddy brought 24 Christmas stories wrapped up, one for each night from now until Christmas Eve. There is an Elf door this year which is a new addition.  Santa will be posting activities for Buddy through the magic door. Who knows what else will appear?

I look forward to sharing this Buddy Blog with you. His antics are always entertaining to us and hopefully you'll love him just as much as we do.

Happy Holidays!
#SharingBuddysMagic

Happy New Year and Blog Birthday!

A happier family unit this year

I've been offline for a while. With the move and the run up to Christmas I couldn't find the time or inclination to blog. In a way I guess that's a good thing. There was a time when blogging was all the got me through the day. A bit like therapy, I needed the support and outlet it gave me at a time when I felt isolated and overwhelmed with the realisation of how hard motherhood really is, especially in the early days.

We had a wonderful, relaxed Christmas at home with our families close by and it gave me a chance to stop and take stock of just how
far we, as a family, have come in the last year.

Putting on a brave face, this time last year

This time last year I was crying everyday for, what to others, seemed like no reason at all. JC or Grumpinator as he was known at the time, was also crying every day. It seemed like that was all he did although by Christmas the occasional smile was bursting through the pain of colic and reflux. We were living about a 40 minute drive away from both our families and although this really isn't that far, being out of the house was torture for me this time last year and the thought of driving round visiting everyone filled me with dread.


One of the main problems I was having was that I felt like I had nothing to say to anyone. I would be sitting with my family and close friends, who know me as a complete chatterbox and I couldn't think of anything interesting to say at all. I wasn't really interested in hearing about other people, which being quite nosey is unusual behaviour for me. I looked around at my other friends and online at my Facebook friends who had small children of a similar age and was envious of the fun and enjoyment they were getting out of the festive period with their new arrival and wondered what the hell was wrong with me? Why can't I be 'full of joy' and 'overly happy' like all the other mums.

It was a uncomfortable and awful time for me and I didn't make it easy for my friends and family to support me. The turning point really was Christmas day because it had always been my favourite time of year. I realised then that I wasn't well and that I needed to help myself if not let someone else help me. So I did.

October - Just before our move and I was feeling fab! 

I started blogging on New Years Day. I had tried in the past and always got bored and fed up with it but this time was different. I made friends quickly and I found out that I wasn't the only one feeling how I felt. I have made some really good friends this year through blogging and was able to meet some of them at CyberMummy. I started going for counselling with a charity called CrossReach and started feeling better in myself. JC started sleeping through the night which really helped my mood! We went abroad loads this year to Ireland, Czech Republic (twice) and to Florida. I grew closer to my family from spending so much time with them and have a much stronger relationship with my in laws now after spending 2 weeks away with them. I went back to work, an emotional experience but I soon got used to it and now I love working part time. We then moved house to be closer to our families which was a huge step for us. My blog suffered as I started spending more time going out and about with JC on my days off.

My beautiful smiley boy eating his Christmas Dinner!

This Christmas I feel vastly better than I did last year. I wouldn't say I'm back to the old me because I don't think that's possible. Motherhood has changed me and I am still learning to adjust but I love being a mum and I am so proud of my son and what a lovely boy he is becoming. I am excited for the year ahead. I look forward to another year of happiness with my boys, my dogs and my blog. Last year was all about adjustment to family life and motherhood, learning to cook, clean and grow up. This year I will be making sure that I look after myself too. I intend to keep blogging regularly so I hope you stick around to see how my life pans out in the coming year.

If you are a regular reader then thank you so much for your support this year and I hope you keep popping by to say hi. If you are new to my blog then please stick around, it would be lovely to get to know you!

Happy New Year!