I bought a house and I filled it with things.
I had a plan in my head with a predetermined order of service. Buy the house, fill it with things, get married, have a baby or two, teach, settle...
I don't do settling very well. I feel like I am always searching for the next thing. I filled my house with things and it still feels empty. Similarly, I eat and eat yet I still don't feel full.
Over the past 6 months I have been going through a process of self discovery. I have allowed myself an hour a week of uninterrupted naval gazing in an attempt to reconnect with The Path I want to take.
What I have discovered about myself is this. I don't need the 'things' and I am not physically hungry but emotionally so. I am not currently living my life I am existing within a maze that I did not draw for myself but tumbled into through the rabbit hole of life. I am disconnected from who I really am and who I want to be.
Why this could be is debatable and multi layered. I suppose my life was mapped out from a young age. I left school unsure of what I should do next. My dreams of living a life where music was at the centre seemed naive and fanciful. I did what I thought I should do. I went to university. I studied psychology, I've always been drawn to studies of human nature. After leaving university I found it difficult to get employment and when the phone call came to say I had been accepted for teacher training it was a weight off my mind. This is when I properly jumped onto the hamster wheel. Since that time, I have followed the route signposted for me and I stopped thinking for myself.
Since January when I woke up to the charade I was living, I decided that I would try to find out what floats my boat and become an active participant in where my life is headed.
I started by taking back more control over my own house. Running it how I want to run it, raising my kids the way I feel is right and I stopped listening to constant chatter from others who thought they knew better. I still heard them but it was all talking in the wind. It only slows you down if you start listening. I stopped worrying about what people thought of me. I stopped caring if my house was untidy when people visited me. I stopped hiding my ironing in cupboards. I stopped eating cake in the wardrobe (don't ask). It was so freeing to finally just be myself with all my faults. What I found was that the people who love me, still love me. They don't come to see my house. They don't care what size my ironing pile is and they don't care that I like cake, a lot, and that I eat it, a lot.
This transition was probably uncomfortable for some people around me who felt that I was being different and even reckless at times.
I was so inspired by this renewed spark in me that I decided to get a tattoo on the wrist of my mic hand to serve as a reminder of who I am.
I am still playing the guitar and I have now started playing the ukulele. I am going to continue to develop my music over the next few years and I am excited for what the future will hold.
I have become a better mother, a better wife and a better friend for I have become a happier person. Most importantly I have stopped buying things. I have started selling and giving away things I don't need. I am decluttering my house much in the same way I have started to declutter my life. I am choosing to live minimally and experience maximally. I filled my house with things and now I am clearing it out.
Watch this space.